Full of anticipations

I was invited by my friend, YN to join a birthday party of a new friend she knew online. They are a group of fun people. Sincere and amiable. Of course, few of them were not so comfortable with strangers but they tried to strike some conversation with us. After a couple of drinks, we decided to leave them alone and go for a session of karaoke. To our surprise, they joined us.

YN and I have been great duet since we met few years ago. Singing the familiar tunes, it was a heartwarming experience altogether. But this time round, she sang with more intensity and emotion. She just broke up in a relationship. This is a break up season; people around me have somehow ended their relationships. Comfortingly, the applause from the audience encouraged her.

We continued our own singing session in her house, unplugged. I sang as she strummed the guitar. I have not done this for a long time, the strings just sounded so perfect in the quiet night. I almost forgotten how to play but I was pretty ok when I started plugging the strings. We have agreed to jam more often.

Parting is not a bad thing after all. It gives you more time to discover yourself, learn new things about yourself; meet new people, experience new perspective in life. You may feel jaded sometimes but good friends are the one who keep you going. It is so blessed to know that there are friends who care, some who accept you as who you are, some who bother to tell you off to correct you. Thank God for them. The ride is full of adventures, you fall and bounce back on your feet, go on with life again. What’s next? You are in control of some and sometimes you are not. People may change, things may change. Appreciating details in life and leaping onto greater and higher expediency.

Full of anticipations. :)

Facets of Personality

I came across the horoscope analysis on me, although I have the characteristic of my own sign – sun sign (“it tells us of the actual core of a person, the inner self, of that which is of central concern.”), there are also other factors contributing to why I was different from the fellow sign mates. The moon sign (“it represents our feelings and emotions, the receptivity, imagination and basic feeling tone of a person”) and the ascendant sign (“it tells us a lot about someone's personality, temperament and constitution. It typifies our immediate, instinctive reaction and shows how we present ourselves to the world.”)

So, I am a Taurus but feel like a Libra and appear to others like Cancer. Hum….. interesting, I am a combination of earth, air and water. No wonder, my friends claimed that I am a difficult person to understand. Interesting indeed.

I was told today that I am melancholic and I see life rather negatively; I am judgmental and I am not open-minded. I was kind of taken aback by this comment, especially from a friend whom I just knew. At first, I disagreed with her. After I have given some thoughts to what she said and checking with my closest friends, we agreed that I am melancholic. But a China friend disagreed with us, she claimed this: “如果你是悲观和忧郁，那就不会有孟姜女了” Well, she sees me differently. To her I am sanguine. Its kind of funny that I am percieved to be such extreme by different people.


I think a lot. I like to express my feeling in writings, music and paintings. In this case, I talk lesser but I love to listen to people’s conversations, I don’t mind them going on and on, although sometime I would space out a little while then I would go the cycle again, listen - think – music/ paint/ write. You can say, I love being in this state of melancholy, the greatest poets and songwriters were melancholic to start with. The language, the words were so perfectly; melancholically beautiful. It reflects one’s true self, especially when one is at the pit. Of course, there are many beautiful songs and poems on happy, joyful stuff, perhaps, I am more interested to explore otherwise.

Stubborn as a bull, but striking a balance like a scale, I am fortunate to have Christ. While discovering the darkest side of the world, I am giving praises to His glory that He made me whole. I am glad that I am able to feel these temperaments: melancholic, sanguine, choleric and phlegmatic. I guess that is the difference between having Christ and not having Christ in one’s life. My life is like a stress ball, no matter how much you twist and squeeze it; it will still go back to the original shape. He is my refuge, my shield, my strength. In fact, I am proud to be melancholic or anything I want to be because He makes good in everything.

The sermon at church today was so like tailor-made for me. Pastor preached on rest. Rest in God's presence. People of the world could not comprehen why we behave in certain ways. We just take a different approach in life. He mentioned a very funny parable: dogs always bark at the moon, no matter how long or how loud it barks, the moon continue to shine brightly. Eventually, the dogs will be tired and stop barking. He said we are like the moon, we might come across many incidents that we are so out of place among the norm that we may be perceived as somebody we are not. People judge us because they think we are judging. Matthew 7:3 "why do you look at the speck of saw dust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Well, Jesus may be addressing to brothers and sisters in Christ. But shouldn't the people of the world apply it too?

Well, I guess it takes some time for people to know my deep, mysterious, gentle quality, deep as the ocean. I promise, I will not hurt with my claws, I will be gentle…Crabbie…..

Maybe you will......

Serenity of darkness gradually fills up the atmosphere, the misses linger still.
Who can wrestle the intensity of this feeling? Maybe someone stronger will.

Tussling through the endless contemplation, conclusion is absence still.
Who can escape this senseless dilemma? Maybe someone stronger will.

Facing the uncertainty of the future, the present seems unfulfilled.
Who can resist the uttermost temptation? Maybe someone stronger will.

I will brave the waves and swim the deepest ocean, but I am afraid still.
Who can calm the sea and rest with me? Maybe someone stronger will.

I go down on my knees and say a little prayer, hoping, maybe You will…….

Comfort Zone

Do you have a comfort zone?
What would you do when this particular place where you take refuge was invaded?
Suffer in silent? Declare a war? Tit for Tat?

Mine was invaded big time. It was totally unrecognizable. It was once a heaven now garbage. I felt that my world has come crumbling down. End of the world? Well almost!

Well, someone I know recently has taught me to “look at the positive side of things”.
It is very interesting to know that nothing could hit her hard; she is so cool about everything.

Alright, let me try……

Comfort Zone: My Room
Past Status：Heaven
Current Status: Garang Guni’s paradise

Past Emotion: Despondency
Current Emotion: (I told you I will try)

Well, it’s really ok to have my room messed up, especially I have really CLEANED it say TWO days ago. I need some exercises to lose some over flowing lard. I have also changed a FRESH set of bed sheets, but now the bed has become a platform displaying those little DUSTY things which are out of the box. It’s alright; I can wash that again, no big deal. A little DIRT is good for the body.

The already NOT-SO-BIG room I have now has new furniture in it. Welcome our new member, an office table as WIDE as my bed! Gee… My computer from the study room HAS migrated WITH the table INTO my room. I am experimenting a new way of toning my abdominal and butt muscles while typing on the keyboard by balancing my cute little ass at the wooden edge of my bed. Not forgetting, the right side of my butt has yet to recover from the stuns at the bowling alley.

Fantastically, my room has transformed into an all equipped SOHO. 80% of the appliances a household has are now in my room. Interestingly, I began to imagine myself living in Japan. Most houses in Japan look like this – the bedroom is the living room and the living room somewhat is the bedroom.

The blessing follows, there is a space on the floor JUST enough for me to sit down. And if I want to move around, I have to do the Chinese dance steps – 蜻蜓点水 (translation: skipping from point to point). I am also proud to have the world’s FIRST pyramid entertainment system. Allow me to describe to you, due to space constraint, the front speaker goes on top of the DVD player which is at the top of the 21’TV that is place at the top of the hi-fi. Overwhelmed by this goodness, I am also delighted that my guitar from each room has finally united. They are facing me yearning my “touch”.

It is really nice to count your blessings especially you are so down. I am feeling much better now and I shall go to bed with my printer and scanner as my companion.

Good night. Sleep tight, don’t let the BED BUGS bite. Itchy…… scratch scratch

吻

还记得你的初吻吗？甜蜜？疯狂？激情？恶心？

狂吻；热吻；轻吻；飞吻； 骚吻？

天啊！ 两小嘴儿捧在一起撞出来的火花可有极大的花样呀。

激情的吻，好比被饵坏的乞丐， 触着就狂吃；狂咬 。什么滋味儿都没尝到。是充饥。

坠入情网的吻，滋味儿就像沾满巧克力的鲜草莓；含在口里甜滋滋的；草莓汁的酸甜不经意的蔓延每一道神经。 是触电。

相爱已久的吻，就如醇酒， 香农口感恰恰好。是柔情。

步入结局的吻，虚假；应酬；木头。亲他不如亲死鱼吧，至少还有鱼腥味儿。是敷衍。

你今天给的吻是啥？被吻的感觉又是啥？

我知道我应该做什么。

人， 感情，沟通，事物，实实在在不好吗？几时变得这么虚假？

上帝创造的世界都被包装得漂漂亮亮；这是世人要看的吗？
我曾避开虚伪选择了简单无忧的生活，再次的回返这空虚的世界竟然把我戏弄的糊里糊涂，不知所措。这毕竟不是我想要的生活。

这里的诱惑，情绪的波动太多太多。我想我很快就会厌倦。。。。。快了。没有什么可依恋的。还好，现在我所拥有的都是被我过滤剩下的宝藏， 让我十分安慰。

主呀，谢谢你的恩高。拥有圣灵引我分辩是非， 我知道我应该做什么。

Fei Fei personifies LOVE.

Wondering what interesting stories I would share today regarding Thursday party?
Well, I guess I have to disappoint you…….
My mind was so preoccupied with the death of my pet rabbit, Fei Fei (fat fat) that I was not interested in what happened in my surrounding.

The pet food ran out, so I was driving around to look for that particular brand that my rabbits love to eat. I love them very much although I hardly have time to play with them.
I keep them in my workplace’s pantry; it is comforting just to see them during breaktime. They always have this stupid blur or rather space out look. Especially my Fei Fei. Every part of him would be still except his little nose, moving up and down…. Breathing….
He would lie against his window, gazing into space, enjoying the sunlight, listening to me singing “Jesus loves me, yes I know, for the bible tells me so……..” His ears would tilt towards my direction and move to the pitch of my voice.

Last night, he seemed fine. He was eating his favorite food and he was happy, I could see that. I turned away for a second and heard him coughing, sneezing and vomiting. He was tying to clear his nose with his fore legs. He was choking. I carried him out of the cage; he was struggling and gasping for air. Usually I could hear his breathing but last night his nose was moving yet there was no sign of breathing. I held him and pray in the Spirit hoping he could recover soon. His body was weaker, he could not stand and eventually he collapsed. He was gasping but lied motionless, I could not feel his heartbeat and I was scared. “Please don’t die on me, Fei. Please…..” Panic as I was, I finally braved myself to suck out the yellow liquid from his mouth and nose. Nothing came out. I have leant CPR, but not on animals. I was so helpless. Holding his still warm body, I was shivering from the shock. He would usually struggle when I tried to hold him but this time; he lied still in my arms.

Fei Fei personifies LOVE. He is always there for you. You feel safe and secure; you drool soundly in your sleep knowing you have him. He gives you TLC, he brings laughter and joy. He is the cause that makes you smile stupidly to yourself. He is the reason you ran home that day right after work. He is the excuse you reported sick. He puts together your face muscles to frown when he is not behaving himself.

When he screamed, you attended to him. When he “shit on your head” you forgave him. When he scratched you, you healed you own wounds. When you want to hold him, he shows you his backside. When you thought you have missed him, he is right at your feet. He likes to play hide and seek with you.
And you thought you have managed him well; providing foodie, toys and your presence. When he is leaving you, you desperately tried means and ways to save him. When he is really gone, you finally gave up, wipe your tears and move on.

Sigh……………bye bye Fei Fei……………….

(Ylang Ylang is burning……….. It soothes my migraine……… Hum…………..But, it has aphrodisiacal effect too, right? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

Shallow and superficial

The party on Tuesday was incredibly swarming. The only setback was the music, I am sorry to announce that Hip Hop and R&B is not my cup of tea. The only consolation was some nice pop music at the later part of the night.

You can see many species of hominid, fascinatingly observing them in action. Some were cruising while others were in pairs. Sometime I really wonder if the pairs still find irresistibility in one another. Others were very obviously looking for “multi-nights stand”. What’s that? Well, this is a lingo my friends use to describe “a friend who enjoys special benefits). No string attached.

There were some gorgeous people around. Parties usually need to have pretty faces to draw some crowd though. It is an ART to wear pretty faces as masks. Conversations were shallow; the “Hi” was plastic. What do you expect? People are out just to have fun. Yup, have fun, having fun flirting. It’s like collecting medals to boast about. They have abundant affections and attention from these pathetic fellow mankind, following you around, like bees to honey. They are hoping that the medal bearing their name would be placed in a more obvious location on your body. Well, both are willing parties. It’s pretty amusing game to play. You like it you stay, if you don’t you leave or better, start another one yourself.

Where can you find some sincere people around this time? Tough luck.
Quote from Constance Fenimore Woolson’s Love Unexpressed
“The sweetest notes among the human heart-strings are dull with rust; The sweetest chords, adjusted by the angels, are clogged with dust; ……”

Where can you find real people?

Love, affections and attentions from people who adore you are so easily available these days; I sometime take these privileges for granted. I regard these as privileges because I see them as God’s favors. I don’t deserve them but it is His Grace that I am enjoying it. I am constantly reminding myself and meditating on His Sozo. I thank God for my wonderful family and friends; my business and my customers; my pair of hands to create more beautiful works in His glory; I thank Him for giving me a heart that can still love and be loved. That is the greatest different between a child of the world and a child of God. I am not perfect, I am nothing, but at least God still loves me. Only in Him I can find real and true joy. Hearts may fail you, people may hurt you, He will never.

Well I am going to another party tonight. There will be more interesting stories to share. Cheers.

Have you ever wonder who will miss you when you leave this world?

What impact would your depart have in their life?

I dream of May Wan, my late sworn sister, countless nights since she left. The impact on her husband is much dramatic than anyone…..

5 years…… I thought he would have moved on but his sms to me this afternoon reflected the opposite. Many lonely and painful nights, the recollections of her presence…. The places they went to still leave traces of sweet sorrows. How did he go through the days without her? How did he go through moments when he needed her comfort? It’s heart rending.

In his heart, there’s love, abundant love for her, yearning for her. I am sure she knows his heart. It is a blessing to be able to love and being loved. She may be out of sight but not out of his heart and mind.

There are occasions that people close to me said that I must not leave first. They don’t want to go through the trauma. What about me? Do I look like a person who could handle watching my love ones leaving?

坚强的外表让你们肯定我能接受离别？如果我必须面对，我无法选择。
上帝已安排好了，只好顺着暗流到终点。

I will miss you ……….forever….

I received a call from your mobile, I was thrilled… I wanted to share with you my new business venture, it’s a nail spa, I want you to be my first client…….

“humpm……is that Jane?” A voice of a man?!

Prank call?

“You are Rachel’s sworn sister right? She told me a lot about you…..”

PRANK CALL?!

“You came to our wedding…..I am her husband……..”

Oh my …. Something bad, bad news? She is hospitalized? Which hospital?

“Rachel has passed away two days ago……”

Crashed………….my world crashed………………………..

Jie, we are supposed to have tea and shopping together. You are supposed to be my first client.
Why are you lying there? Why you look so pale? Why are you not smiling at me when I am in front of you? Why can’t I hug you? The coffin feels hard and cold. You don’t belong there………You are life who gives me life, your laughter bring joy to me.
I don’t have the courage to see you at your tablet. The once playful and joyful sis I had, now her remains is in the urn.
I cannot accept, till now, I still see you in my dreams……are you trying to tell me something?
I am going to see you on your birthday this year……See you 8 March…..

I really miss you, Jie……

I miss you….

Chinese New Year 2002
Jie, we were supposed to meet for tea at your new house. I was sorry that I could not make it during Chinese New Year. You promised me that you will give me a big Ang Bao.

Somewhere in end April
Yes, I have received your forwarded SMS, it was really nice to get a heartwarming greeting from you. I am sorry that I did not reply. I procrastinated……

Thank you for remembering me

When was the last time you catch up with your secondary school friends? Your best friends? Your love ones? When was the last time you say “I love you” to your parents?

We take for granted many people in our life. A hello is procrastinated, a visit is postponed, a birthday is forgotten, a praise is given stingily? How much effort does it take to do this simple yet very significant gesture? It may not be to you, but it is to the receiver. If you have one minute to spare, pick up the phone now and call them. Say something nice. Don’t be like me……. Regrets for life.

Many years have past, I was so soaked in my own world, blaming God and the whole world and of course myself for landing where I was at that time. Many downs than ups, I was practically looking down all the time. I almost had forgotten how beautiful the clouds are and how blue the sky is.

Just when I was driving aimlessly, not knowing where to go, I received a phone call. “Shall I pick up? But I am not in the mood to talk” ……… the caller was persistent so I answered. “Hey, is that you, Jane? Guess who am I?” I thought to myself “Oh man, stop the crap, I am not in the mood for this….” I was unfriendly “ I dunno, you tell me…”

“This is Rachel…”
“Rachel who?”
“Your sworn sister May Wan, Rachel…”

Oh my goodness, I have not hear this voice for a very long time. We have lost contact since I was 19 years old. I was 26 then. She was 28. My heart was so full of joy, the same voice that comforted me when I was so down and out. God has sent her back to me this time.

“Hey, I am getting married, pleasssseee come to my wedding k”

2001 December
She was so beautiful in her gown. Like a princess. I stood outside the entrance to peep into the banquet. I was so happy to see her again. She caught me standing at one corner. She ran over and threw a big bear hug at me. I miss that hug.

She was much slimmer compare to school time. Skinny is the word. She told me she has been sick, having fever, in and out of hospital and doctor could not detect anything. But she was so full of life at the wedding. The same laughter, the same smile, that once warmed my heart. The solace I felt once again when I thought my world was crumbling down.

Rachel and I were back like schooldays again.

The imprint in Junior’s life

I cannot agree more that we are always searching for things, significant things to fill that gap in our life. We failed to notice small things or people around us but in fact, these are the small and insignificant things that would bring impact in our life.

During school’s open house, Junior visited many booths set up by ECA groups. She has always wanted to join NPCC, smart uniforms, cool is the word. She walked towards a station where rifles and guns were displayed. The eagerness from holding one of these gadgets was shown on her face. “Come, hold this. Don’t be shy….” A girl in smart uniform smiled and handed Junior a heavy rifle. “You must join us, its very fun. You can fire this and this revolver too. Live!” The warm and liveliness of this person touched Junior at the very innermost pit. Junior had never experienced this kind of amiable touch from anyone, definitely not from her own sister. Junior signed up and anticipated the trills and adventures this ECA could bring.

The girl in uniform Senior became Junior’s officer-in-charge. Junior strived to be the best in any activities. That is her principle in life. Junior had many opportunities working with Senior and through the time they established a strong bond. Other cadets in the squad were boycotting Junior then, due to some childish and nincompoop reasons. For one donkey year, Junior has only one Malay friend (God bless her for being a faithful friend) and Senior was always by her side, mentoring her.

Junior loves bus journeys; she loves to take the same bus with Senior. They never talk much, the only companion was each other and of course a walkman. They would listen to Allan Tham’s songs and more and they have made “Eternal Flame” their song.

Two years has come to past, their friendship strengthened even though they were seeing their first boyfriends. They were there for each other when their boyfriends left them. They shared many laughter and joy; sadness and tears. Junior could remember vividly the first time she saw Senior cried. The silent weeping could no longer hold………she cried her heart out. The same history repeated when Junior’s relationship failed. What raced through Senior's mind was the kind of emptiness which had once crept into her heart, and to see it happening again, this time on Junior, she was momentarily lost for words. Could anyone even understand the intensity of the moment? They were sitting in a park near her house, the familiar song was on air….Senior pat Junior on her head and said” I have always wanted a younger sister, but too bad I am the youngest in my family. Can you be my younger sis? I would be very proud to have a talented sportswoman as my sister.”

Happiness from these is just temporal.

We were once juniors in our own schools, friends and puppy loves come and go; some stayed longer, some never. At the age of 13, what was on your mind? Was it studies, fun, BGR or already plotting paths to becoming a successful person to fulfill family’s expectation?


Junior has made daddy and mummy proud for excelling both academically and in ECAs. She was pursued by this teacher to study in his school and of course to play in his basketball team. She is touched by his passion and sincerity therefore she made that school her first choice on her list. In her mind, she just wanted to become a better player under his care. And she did.

Junior later discovered her other talent, in Track & Field. She trained very hard. Trice a week before and after school. Winning medals, breaking school’s records, receiving both school and zone awards, but deep down she was empty. The tight training schedule and juggling studies had made her a loner. She had very few friends. Who doesn’t like to hang out with friends at MacDonald’s or go shopping? There was this opportunity cost thingy. She was so focused on what she was doing and did not give much thought about it.

She was amazed by her tonnes of energy during that time. Under her belt, she had NPCC as uniform group, school basketball team captain, VP of Track & Field, librarian, National youth basketball and a player in her primary school Alumni basketball team. Teachers and principal were worried. But this was how she kept herself occupied because she was lonely both in school and at home. She missed her parents but she could understand that they were working hard for the family. She has an elder sister but she was not close to her. She hated her sister because her sister had read her diary. She hated it when her innermost feelings were exposed and mocked on.

All those she has achieved had no impact in her life. To her it was a norm. Those above were to illustrate that one could achieve so much yet own nothing. People of the world strive to achieve money fame and status. But when they have them, are they truly happy?

Happiness from these is just temporal.