The “First times”

I’ve started to look out and appreciate the “first times” God has placed in my life, different stages of my life.

The trip with my loveones, especially my cousin engaged a different perspective this time…. The trip encompassed many first times……
This is the first time I truly appreciate every single minute I spent with them…. Everything we have done and every word we shared. I could have taken things for granted the last time but from now onwards, I want to take a different stand…..

Lord, I want to thank you for my cousin, I am very blessed to have her and very proud of her. Her inner strength, her toughness, her sensible disposition do me proud. I am so favored to have her as my cousin.

We have many first times together in this trip. For 30 over years, we have not really hanged out together before except when she was very young. For the first time, we braved each other into all the exciting rides in the amusement park, we played and ran in the rain and we sat in a roller coaster and tolerated the heavy raindrops on our faces. We screamed and cheered for our idol – Sammi Cheng. We waved and sang along to the music. We discussed religions and life. We shared our inner most secrets. For the first time, she heard my life stories, what I have went through and I had a deeper understanding about her and her point of view. We have our first – complete bottle of wine together, sat in the cable car and took a coach ride. First time, we went shopping, just the both of us, I bought her my first present to her. For the first time, and of cos, she is the first cousin I have let into the changing room while I tried my clothes. I feel sorry for her that she has to witness me at my most bloated state aka fat. She must have regretted for coming into the changing room. Hahahhaah.

Anyway, for the first time, I took a clearer look at her, she has grown up from a little girl whom I carry and held her hands when we went to a park in KL 22 years ago. For the first time, it occurs to me that she is now a lady, a tough woman. For the first time, I missed her and for the first time, I looked forward to our next meeting. For the first time, I cried as I prayed for her and thought of what she has been going through. For the first time, we are so transparent with each other. For the first time, we realized that we are so near yet so far. We could have been closer than anybody else cos we are connected by blood. For the first time, we filled each other at a point where we felt the most emptied. Circumstances forced us to be independent, handled things ourselves at very young age, the harshness of life caused us to keep everything to ourselves. Perhaps, I can relate to her, can understand the lack and void in her life. After all, we are experiencing the similar life at different places. I could be the more rebellious child and she could be the conservative one but we had our own fair share of the facets of life.

Why the tears, Lord? Why were there tears when I left for Genting and there’s tear when I am back? Lord, I now totally understand something which Limin has told me before. Feeling so much for something or a person requires divine strength, by our mere strength, it is very draining and discouraging. Lord, I am hanging on there for you to lead me to fulfil your purpose. Lord each day is a blessing and each day I am giving thanks for all I have.
Lord, I pray that Your joy and peace be filled in our lives, especially people whom have not known you or seen you. Lord, touch their lives just as how you have touched mine.

Amen!

Just some thoughts on my journey....

The anticipation building up…. It’s 3am and I am still wide awake; on this coach from KL to Genting.

What if I see her and I did not get ready the letter? What if I have an opportunity to be up close and personal?

I have 2 missions, a mission to share and save and a mission to rekindle. Isn’t being at the concert a form of reunion? Perhaps…. Perhaps there is so much I can do, perhaps I should be contented.

Burdens in my heart travel with me and they accompanied me till this point. The realities of life never depart from me even I have left the real life to seek a temporary realm to be my true self. 4 days of “freedom” to laugh whenever I like, to be away from quotations and reports. Although away, I am still reachable by email and mobile. Will that make any difference?

What is true “letting go”? When peace is present and you are feeling a sense of security? When can I really let go? My heart is like a magnet, it sucks up any traces of emotions. It has to be transported by my senses to my mind. The process is tiring. Just like now, the coach is climbing the mountain; the horsepower manage to carry me to my temporary realm. I passed by some familiar places - Batu Caves, that was where I climb 270 steps to the bats cave, at the end of the cave you will see a sleeping Buddha and fragrance of bats’ poo poo. Life is a continous climbing and travelling, I am so grateful for God’s grace that I have the privilege to embark this journey He has prepared for me.

By the time we get to the peak, we still have 6 hours till check-in time. Enough time for us to have two meals prior to lunch. I drove on this road a few months ago, church retreat, not an easy road to drive on. I am back again. I think I like Genting, I like it because it has fond childhood memories. It reminds me of my Grandmother, my deceased uncles and aunties, and my once-upon-a-time a complete family.

Thank you Lord, for these memories. When I have a family, I will give my children the best memories. It will stay with them long, very long…. Praise you Lord, for bringing me back again….