Oxymoron truths about life

The smart fools always think they are intelligent and speak only worldly wisdom.
The poor rich think that they have all the “bought” happiness and its enough.
The undiscerning wise chooses temporary possessions.
The spiritually-dead agnostic claims to be a believer of all gods.
The straight homosexual enjoys the life of both worlds but citizen of none.
The activist of freedom fights to stay in ignorant bondages.
The legalistic Levitt burns sin offerings for judging his fellowmen.
The indecisive remains unchanged in the fickle mindedness.
The person who always claims to speak the truth is a liar.
The person who proclaims to be humble is a boast.

The list goes on…..

Only God can uphold such complicated and profound lives…..
Only through Jesus all things are held together…..
Only by Him all things will be made right…..

The “First times”

I’ve started to look out and appreciate the “first times” God has placed in my life, different stages of my life.

The trip with my loveones, especially my cousin engaged a different perspective this time…. The trip encompassed many first times……
This is the first time I truly appreciate every single minute I spent with them…. Everything we have done and every word we shared. I could have taken things for granted the last time but from now onwards, I want to take a different stand…..

Lord, I want to thank you for my cousin, I am very blessed to have her and very proud of her. Her inner strength, her toughness, her sensible disposition do me proud. I am so favored to have her as my cousin.

We have many first times together in this trip. For 30 over years, we have not really hanged out together before except when she was very young. For the first time, we braved each other into all the exciting rides in the amusement park, we played and ran in the rain and we sat in a roller coaster and tolerated the heavy raindrops on our faces. We screamed and cheered for our idol – Sammi Cheng. We waved and sang along to the music. We discussed religions and life. We shared our inner most secrets. For the first time, she heard my life stories, what I have went through and I had a deeper understanding about her and her point of view. We have our first – complete bottle of wine together, sat in the cable car and took a coach ride. First time, we went shopping, just the both of us, I bought her my first present to her. For the first time, and of cos, she is the first cousin I have let into the changing room while I tried my clothes. I feel sorry for her that she has to witness me at my most bloated state aka fat. She must have regretted for coming into the changing room. Hahahhaah.

Anyway, for the first time, I took a clearer look at her, she has grown up from a little girl whom I carry and held her hands when we went to a park in KL 22 years ago. For the first time, it occurs to me that she is now a lady, a tough woman. For the first time, I missed her and for the first time, I looked forward to our next meeting. For the first time, I cried as I prayed for her and thought of what she has been going through. For the first time, we are so transparent with each other. For the first time, we realized that we are so near yet so far. We could have been closer than anybody else cos we are connected by blood. For the first time, we filled each other at a point where we felt the most emptied. Circumstances forced us to be independent, handled things ourselves at very young age, the harshness of life caused us to keep everything to ourselves. Perhaps, I can relate to her, can understand the lack and void in her life. After all, we are experiencing the similar life at different places. I could be the more rebellious child and she could be the conservative one but we had our own fair share of the facets of life.

Why the tears, Lord? Why were there tears when I left for Genting and there’s tear when I am back? Lord, I now totally understand something which Limin has told me before. Feeling so much for something or a person requires divine strength, by our mere strength, it is very draining and discouraging. Lord, I am hanging on there for you to lead me to fulfil your purpose. Lord each day is a blessing and each day I am giving thanks for all I have.
Lord, I pray that Your joy and peace be filled in our lives, especially people whom have not known you or seen you. Lord, touch their lives just as how you have touched mine.

Amen!

Just some thoughts on my journey....

The anticipation building up…. It’s 3am and I am still wide awake; on this coach from KL to Genting.

What if I see her and I did not get ready the letter? What if I have an opportunity to be up close and personal?

I have 2 missions, a mission to share and save and a mission to rekindle. Isn’t being at the concert a form of reunion? Perhaps…. Perhaps there is so much I can do, perhaps I should be contented.

Burdens in my heart travel with me and they accompanied me till this point. The realities of life never depart from me even I have left the real life to seek a temporary realm to be my true self. 4 days of “freedom” to laugh whenever I like, to be away from quotations and reports. Although away, I am still reachable by email and mobile. Will that make any difference?

What is true “letting go”? When peace is present and you are feeling a sense of security? When can I really let go? My heart is like a magnet, it sucks up any traces of emotions. It has to be transported by my senses to my mind. The process is tiring. Just like now, the coach is climbing the mountain; the horsepower manage to carry me to my temporary realm. I passed by some familiar places - Batu Caves, that was where I climb 270 steps to the bats cave, at the end of the cave you will see a sleeping Buddha and fragrance of bats’ poo poo. Life is a continous climbing and travelling, I am so grateful for God’s grace that I have the privilege to embark this journey He has prepared for me.

By the time we get to the peak, we still have 6 hours till check-in time. Enough time for us to have two meals prior to lunch. I drove on this road a few months ago, church retreat, not an easy road to drive on. I am back again. I think I like Genting, I like it because it has fond childhood memories. It reminds me of my Grandmother, my deceased uncles and aunties, and my once-upon-a-time a complete family.

Thank you Lord, for these memories. When I have a family, I will give my children the best memories. It will stay with them long, very long…. Praise you Lord, for bringing me back again….

You will be alrite, slowly but surely……

What’s on your mind?

You have lots of thoughts and the frustration is eating you up and it’s unbearable.

I can understand the struggles in you, hang on there, you will be alrite.

You want to talk, you want to express it out but there’s no word coming out of your mouth. Simply, there’s no word to describe exactly how you are feeling now.

What do you want to do?

Nothing, because nothing can fill this gap; the bond which you have void long ago.

The consequences are hard to bear, hang on there. You will be alrite.

Metamorphosis takes a while, takes a while of inaction, stagnant, stillness, quietness, solitaire. Before you become a beautiful being, transformation brings along some pain, some tears, some loneliness, some disillusion and some confusion.

You will be alrite, slowly but surely……

在“生死边缘”，我被救赎了。。。。

看着面前的弟兄姐妹一一的倒下，心里希望下一个不会是我。凶恶的审判官走到我面前，我的心噗嗵噗嗵的跳，他举起手指向我。 该我了，中大彩也没这么准。我害怕，手遮住双眼， 我不想看到他们怎么处死我。 心想，最好是一枪毙了我，死得快。 全身急迫的紧张， 呼吸加速，我心里着急的“开枪啊，为什么还不开？”

这时，我只感觉到口中被喷了一种无味的液体， 不到5秒，我全身开始麻木了，我就像之前的弟兄一样倒下了。 四肢无力， 只是知道口里开始吐出白沫。

“hang on there, 等他们走了，我帮你洗掉口中的毒药。。。。” 口中吐出白沫， 身体已麻木了， 我听到姐姐这样安慰我。所有关在这里的基督徒都这样， 一个一个等着， 等着下一个会不会是自己，无助的被送上亡泉之路。

我无力的身躯， 俯卧在桌子上， 妈妈回过头看着我， 她的眼神中带着几许的无奈和无助。“神啊，这就是死的感觉吗？我曾经好奇的想知道死的感觉是怎样的，现在终于体会到了。”但我没想到竟会如此体会。“神啊，我要活下去， 我还有很多未完成的事。我会活回来的。。。”口中继续吐着沫， 肚子里所有的都吐了出来。 这比喝酒醉的时候还来得顺畅。视线慢慢的迷糊，我感觉不到外面的空气， 感觉不到我的身体。。。。 “我累了，但我会等， 等着姐姐的承诺。”

我醒来了。这里是我的卧房，确定， 这是我熟悉的， 确定，是一场梦， 一场很真实的梦。 在梦中的生死边缘，我有极大的生存毅力， 现在活生生的我，必须活得比梦里来的更坚强、更坚持、更勇敢。我还有什么保留的呢？我还有什么不敢放手的呢？感谢主让我在梦中体会到“死”， 感谢阿爸父的怜悯与恩典不让我在现实的生活经历这段“生死边缘”。

阿爸，请继续提醒我这力量， 你赐的力量，我要活得更精彩， 活出更漳县你荣耀的生命。感谢你在干枯的沙漠赐我绿洲、在无际的海洋赐我避风港、在稠密的森林赐我避难所。

生命里背负了很多杂七杂八的东西， 当每一次慢慢的拨去一层又一层， “你会鼻酸，你会流泪”， 就像拨开洋葱一样。 也不就只是鼻酸和流泪而以吗，鼻涕流完了、眼泪流尽了，还是好汉一个， 唱着“黄飞鸿”。。。。 : P

A glimpse of “I love you but God loves you more….”

One day, a man was walking on the beach- alone and sad, looking at the foot prints on the sands, he asked Jesus, "Lord, when I was happy, I saw two sets of footprints, I know You are with me. Now I am sad and depressed, I only see one set of footprints. Where are you Lord, have you forsaken me? Why am I all alone?" Jesus heard him and replied: "Son, the footprints you saw are Mine, I am carrying you in your time of depression and sadness." The man was still doubtful and asked Jesus:" Lord do you love me?" Lord replied: "Of cos I love you." The man then asked again: "How much Lord, how come I don’t see it and feel it?" The Lord stretched out His arms and open His palms and revealed the wounds, His body stood upright like a cross and replied: "Son, I love you this much. "

His love is enough for us everyday. Enjoy His presence now.

郑秀文- 加油吧 God’s favor on you ... ...

感谢上帝的恩典。我又在一次看到你回返舞台上。

相信每一位歌迷都会认同你的舞台魅力仍然光芒四色， 这一次多了属灵的感动。

我买了你的Show Mi Concert DVD, 一次过看了5遍。看着你坦言的诉说你这两年 “消失”的原因，听你读着写给自己的信，不经勾起我很多的回忆和我这两年的经历。

想不到，当我的偶像正在寻找真正的自己的时候，上帝也一点、一步的把我牵回他的身边。 两年前陆陆续续对你的报道很多，令我担心的是你得癌症的消息。当时的我就好像在做好心理准备似的，将要失去一位“相识”已久的“朋友”。我的过去，这些朔造我的过去将会随着你的“离去”而消失吗？ 虽然你不认识我，而我也是你上千万个歌迷之一，但在我心深处， 你则是 陪了我走回主，走回天父怀抱里的一位“朋友”。

“值得”使我开始喜欢上你的歌， 你的表演。那一段日子是我人生的一个转捩点。 我堕落了， 我跌倒了， 你的歌则每天在KTV 陪着我堕落。 当时的我对人生完全失去了方向， 过一天是一天。几年后，你的歌也让我成功的被入选并签了一年的歌手训练班合约。当然，那时我已经26岁， 还会有人要捧我吗？哈哈。 这我就认了。但还是要感谢李伟松老师给我这个机会， 让我能够体验正统的vocal training. 还记得 老师常说我必须摆脱你的影子，发觉我自己的风格。 虽然曾经想要成为舞台上的你， 但随着时间的流逝，我渐渐的， 慢慢的走进观众席， 手中握着万把荧光棒之一，成为一位永远支持你的歌迷。

你的每一个专辑就好像我人生马拉松长跑的路标。每一次经过一个路标我就会感到一点点地成就，庆幸我已完成一段路， 盼望着下一个路标来奠定我人生另一个前进。这也是为什么当你决定放长假的时候， 我突然觉得失去了一个并肩作战的朋友。 我当时也决定了我不再听流行音乐。

从那天开始， 我有了新的“战友”，那就是神的话语和诗歌。他把你从我生命里暂时拿开， 同时间的从新塑造我们。上帝让我看到了自己，让我看到了过往我走的路并不是他要我走的。All these while, it was my way, never His. 他使我看到了我以前责备他的十万个为什么，原来都是我的固执与执著。两年走来，心路旅程就好像蜕变的蝴蝶， 酝酿着快乐和幸福的开始。 在主爱中是何等的安全， 我已不再害怕担心将来， 完全的放下，完全的依靠他。我的过去没什么可夸的，但他已原谅我并爱我如同他爱耶稣一样。跌倒了的我如果用自己的力量爬起来并没什么， 可现在的我就如同飞鹰展翅， 力量来自天父， 重新开始。 就好像你重回舞台，你回来了，你的勇气回来了。 我的勇气也回来了， 我们都因这上帝给我们的力量回到他赐我们的舞台， 散发的是属灵的光芒。我现在的工作是把诗歌唱好， 把歌写好， 好好的为神疼爱的儿女侍奉。

我开始听流行音乐， 开始盼望你的下一个作品。我知道主会带领我们， 保护着我们。请继续加油， 我会永远支持你。

原神的慈爱， 圣灵的感动与你同在。

阿门。

无限的赐福

神的大能是无限的， 是无所不在的，是好比无形的磁铁吸引到你面前，挡也挡不住。

我非常蒙福， 有机会到 Max Pavilion 连看了两天的免费的大型Worship Concert, 领唱的是世界著名的Planetshakers 和Tim Hughes.

到来 参与的观众大多是青少年， 我和一起同去的朋友们是属于较“老”一点的观众。 看过这么多种演唱会， 唯有为主开的演唱会是那么激扬，澎湃，简直是痛快！在主爱中， 我们是何等自由，快乐和平安！

看到这些非常爱主的年轻人， 跟着激昂的音乐跳动起来，我们这些“老人”不知何时也跟着舞动起来。我妈和干妈也突然 年轻了 ，充满圣灵的感动而举手赞美这位权能的主。

我们坐在较后面的位子， 一眼可看到一片喧哗， 一个动作， 一起跳动， 一律举手赞美。感动得我不禁流下喜悦的泪。心里开始问主“为何不让我早一点认识你？我就不会走这么多冤枉路。”主慈祥的回答说“我一直都在你身边，是你选择不要靠近我。看，这还不晚呀！ 在我这里，你们都会蒙福，失去的时光，青春，金钱，时间，等等都将能补上。”一眼开过去， 不同种族，年龄，背景，学历，形状的人， 都一起聚集在这里， 一起以歌声献给爱我们的主。

曾经拥有很多物质上享受的我， 虽然现在打回原型， 可现在的我其实什么都不缺。我感谢 天父给与我的爱， 我母亲和家人的得救比任何事物来的重要。做梦也没想到会和母亲一同在教堂崇拜，一起唱诗歌，一起研究圣经。 最不可能的， 神都可以办得到， 何况是现有碰到的棘手的事物和债款。 他是创造宇宙万物的神， 是我的阿爸父， 在基督里我有了新生命和盼望。

他非常爱我， 带了很多朋友到我的身边， 帮助我，爱护我，勉励我，扶持我。感谢你们， Hilda, Limin, Pam, Kelly, Yoko San and Angela. 你们是主给我的福， 你们是福。 You guys are God’s blessings to me, thank you being a blessing in my life. May the Lord shower His favor on you and covers you with His protection!

最美的一刻

何时何日曾向天父祈祷。。。

何曾把祈祷过的事抛到脑后。。。

当我已把它给忘了，它竟然实现了。。。

这可是我最大的礼物。。。

从我下定决心，至今一路走来，艰苦但我知道，如果我跌倒了，我便是跌在天父手里。

这可是我鼓起万分的勇气，终于，耶和华阿爸天父赐我最美的一刻。。。

1月20日，亲眼目睹了妈妈接受主的一幕。。。

在牧师为她祈祷的那一刻， 我喜悦的眼泪几乎遮盖了我的视线。

急忙把手机拿出来，把这一幕录了下来。

这是肯定，这是给我的信心，鼓励，加油。。。

你再度让我知道你就是真神。

感谢你， 阿爸天父， 你是何等荣耀，尊贵，全能！！！

阿门。