我笑了

水是冰的，早上8点就在浴室里被冰水折疼得跳起浴室“土风舞”。真滑稽。身上的烟味，酒味；昨晚接触到的“污垢”，随着泡沫，沿着我的身躯一点一滴被冲走。

仔细的看了镜里的我， 脸上原来是带着微笑。我在笑什么？笑我自己跳的“土风舞”？在笑那场无缘无故卷入的无聊和浪费时间，白痴玩的游戏？笑我当了某人许多白痴司机们的其中一位？笑我成了某某人拿来炫耀自己的奖牌？笑这一切是个笑柄？

我笑了，因为我心里还是充满着爱。被爱是幸福的，每个人都在渴望被爱，但能够去爱人更幸福，不过只能去爱有资格被爱的人。 不是任何人都懂得怎么去爱。为利益而爱是下等人；上等人则讲诚心。 我笑了，因为我领悟了，在一张漂亮脸孔背后的丑陋。这种丑是低级犯贱没有内涵。我笑了，因为我发现怕被伤害；自卫的自私方法，是先去伤害身边无辜，真诚的人。我笑了，策划无耻卑鄙的布局， 借别人的圈子来得到自己的利益。这种“本事”也不过如此。我笑了，因为有些人表面风光，内心空虚。永远在追求别人看得到的东西，现代的奴隶。

我们都活在笑话里。 当然，还有很多可爱的人和事物都会让我们不尽意得笑了。

笑吧，笑一笑十年少。

Trance

It’s floating, floating……like a balloon….
It’s not connected to the body….
The vision is blur and yet experiencing a semi-conscious state of mind.

The taste buds seem to be sleeping, guess have been working hard for a long time.
The throat stored feathers that tickle, it is inflamed and a real bad one…. The vocal box is temporary out of order. Repair is needed.

The upper torso gasping for air, the limps are detached and they seem to be able to function well on their own. Spasms recur each time as the “boat sails in”……. Irritating spasms…. The nerves would jump to the rhythm of the music.

Switching scenes of hallucination and ecstasy, there is this familiar face reappearing. Gosh, please give this mind a break.

A beautiful song

The night is quiet and driving on the highway with the window down refreshes me. The songs playing from 90.5FM send a nostalgic conversion to my vision, as if I am back to that era.

In my mind, I am thinking about this song…….. “Besame Besame Mucho…..” I lost the CD and kind of miss this song. I think the DJ can read my mind, this song is next. Hee Hee. Cool. Imagine you could do the same to people you are thinking of now. “Blink” and they appear. Or you may be ‘blinked” off to someone else. “here blink, there blink, everywhere blink blink….”

I have to wind up the window as my cough worsens from the cold wind. It is so soothing listening to the soft drums at the background and Diana Krall makes this old French song comes alive again……I have heard a man’s version, but still like hers. This French friend, a photographer once told me that his grandmother loved this song very much. Well, I would tell my grandchildren about this song too, if I ever have.

A beautiful song……..

A 10mins lesson with God in my car

I bet all drivers have experienced nasty fellow drivers on the road before. All kinds you name it…. Reckless driving, tailgaters, bullies, litterbugs…

The traffic on the highway on Friday was horrible. Despite the rush hours, I was rather calm although I was kind of running late for my appointment. There are big trucks everywhere and usually I would avoid driving near them. When it comes to this situation, I had no choice but to travel alongside a big truck. No, he did not drive recklessly nor did he do anything that would put anyone near him in danger. But he did something which was highly unacceptable.

As I was traveling on the next lane near the rear of his truck, he SPAT! I could literally see the mucus, like greenish bullets, “fired” from window. Every drop of that landed on my car and windscreen. I was so disgusted. My goodness, I just washed my car! How would a normal person react in this situation? That is to drive up and STARE at him, right? I did, but his truck was so so big and tall that I could not see him from my seat. That nincompoop has a sun shield on his window. Damn…The hot weather and horrific jam were already unbearable and I was boiling inside… I really had the urge of showing him my, beautifully manicured centre finger, with nicely decorated nail arts.

BUT, I didn’t.

No point

If I did, that would make me a nincompoop too.

I asked Lord to calm me down. What would you do, Lord? Just then, He told me to pray for that driver. What?! The Lord has a unique and unfathomable way of handling things. Lord, he just spat at me and you are asking me to pray for him? I was so angry that I wished to curse the driver -pray that a flock of crows would fly over his truck and shit on him ALL at the SAME time, I started to pray in tongue, the Spirit led me to pray for his safety and others on the road. Not long after, I experience this wave of inner peace in me.

This is indeed God.

He showed me something else. He asked me to praise and be glad that I encountered this.

But why, Lord? Why rejoice? Rejoice on what? He prompted me to see the rear mirror and I saw a motorist. I could instantly feel His Fatherly laughter. He said “My child, I will not give you something you can’t bear. My Grace and Love is enough for you.” I started to give thanks for my car and that windscreen to shield me from the “bullets”. I gave thanks for having the ability to shield the “bullets” for that motorist. He would be in a worse situation than me if the “bullets” got him. The Spirit prompted me to Luke 6:27- 28 from the bible “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” “My child, you have been doing it fine for the past months, do you notice that? Not only have you prayed for those who are unkind to you, you are also converting your misses for those you love into prayers. I heard you and I took good care of them all.”
Gee, He really hears me, man?! My, Living God! It gives me goose bumps. I went back to my shop and I read further. It is indeed a great revelation Abba wants me to have. He always prepares us before hand. He is so cool!

Everyday we may be “spitting” words of accusation, condemnation, criticism, words of hurt and insensitivity to people in our life – family members, friends, colleagues, bosses and strangers. God has already given us the ability to be the first to stop the cycle and should not expect or wait for others to initiate. Prayers can replace anger with laughter, hurt with comfort, unrest with joy, curses with blesses and misses with strength. Find strength in Him. He can work wonders in our life.

Hum…. Abba, since You are hearing me….. I bet You are working on my bigger prayers hahahahaha. yup yup yup :)

想

想一个人的时候，你会做什么？
会到他去过的地方？ 会座他座过的位子？会唱他唱过的歌？会走他曾走过的路?
会喝他喜欢喝的酒？会到MSN看他有没有上网？

想一个人和怀念一个人的区别是什么？

想- 没有感情或感觉。。。脑里浮现的只是他的样子。你可能还把他留在你的生活里。。。 。。。

怀念 – 包涵了感情和感觉。。。脑里是一部部的怀旧电影。他可能已在你的生命里，缺席。。。 。。。

有可能想和怀念同一个人吗？
哦，怀念已包含了想。。。。

你今天想了谁；怀念的有谁？

An evening - Recap

Walking along the river, walking through the crowd and the restaurant staffs holding the menus inviting everyone who walked pass to patronize them.
I always see the same people and they always say the same thing to me and I always reply the same back to them. This has been going on for almost two years. They have been saying the same things everyday for this long.

The techno music playing from the trishaws is very irritating, where’s the heritage? Or it has become commercial? There is always a super long queue of people waiting for taxis. I thank God that I no longer need to queue for my transport. I used to hate walking; I am a rather impatient person, like things to be fast, quick and convenient. But now walking kind of calms me after a long day at work.

Counting your steps, listening to your breathing, hearing your heart beats. Rhythm.
There are some people who permanent residing at the river bank. They have been there for the longest time, not sure since when. They would sleep on the benches while waiting for their catch – fishing. I wonder what happen to them if it rains.
There is a man, I think he is suffering from some mental problems, sometime he would smile and wave to the tourists and they would mock him. What's in his mind? What is he thinking about? What caused him to become insane? What kind of trauma did he go through before he reached this stage? Is it a choice to be insane?

In the underpass, there are two men basking, with the help of the echo in the tunnel, they sound rather ok. But they never seem to complete a full song. They sing without feelings but just for the sake of singing to get some money, it like putting the spirit of making music to shame. It is a pity that one's passion in music has dwindled due to the need to earn a living or a lack of appreciative audience. People walk passed them, hardly anyone stopped to listen. Most of the time, the baskers would just entertain themselves, jamming.

Reaching the opposite side of the river, the bungee is really exciting, you could hear the men and women screaming as the cabin shoot up into the air. I will try that one day. Challenging oneself needs alot of courage. It gives me a good reason to scream my throat out, that sour/bitter chocked air near my chest, because if you were to do that publicly, you would be labelled as insane.

It’s a relief as I reached my car, but I kinda dislike weekends as the partons to the poplular disco usually cause a traffic jam at the exit of the carpark. But I am comforted and contented from sitting in Jiu Jiu, my old purple car. An old buddy I take with me everywhere I go.

Opening of a new chapter

I am grateful that I am moving on.

The emotional turmoil which I’ve been battling with for the past 2 weeks has been miraculously resolved by the grace of God.
It was a roller coaster ride,
the joy from discovering a new friend, the excitement from getting to know her deeper, the puzzlement when we had a different opinion, the anxiety and tension which weighed down each meeting, the rejection and despondency which sent me into somewhat a spiritual warfare.
I push myself (harder) this time, to seek an answer to my innermost feelings which, I myself am a stranger to.

I played those words through my head again and again, spending my waking hours deeply disturbed by this drift that comes between me and her. The more I desire to let her into my world, the further she seems to be driven away from it. I was very exasperated and frustrated all of these because, I care for this opinion and I badly wanted to understand it, and be understood. I wish to be heard.


Today, I was touched by this short video I saw http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/. It shot me that maybe the things I’ve been trying to justify are the mysteries which I shouldn’t struggle to put into words, because I simply cannot. His will is way far above any comprehension. I am thankful that He makes me see that the best action I could make towards dissimilarity is not retaliation but a show of understanding and tolerance. I believed that she had my good in mind when she shared her opinion and my wish to want to share with her who I truly am, did not pull through.

Although I still hold my stand which is different from others, I have learnt to present the grounds for my feelings, my thoughts and my behavior; at the same time respect that they may not buy my ideas. I learnt that, pride, is a creeping crook which come up to us when we’re least aware and take over our senses. The battle we had was unfortunately between our prides. With the grace of God, I am able to draw back because He has blessed me with a friend who is dear to me. Frankly, if it is by my own will, it will not be easy. But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, it becomes effortlessly.

I seek a closure to this chapter of my life and anticipate new chapters to come; I hope that this post will reach out to the friends I care for. Although I hold on to the principles in my life, I appreciate your presence around me to arouse my sensitivity to my environment and to challenge my take of life.

This experience, although traumatizing and hurtful, has let me discovered new truths about myself which I am eager to embrace. I am still learning everyday and although I am not a master even in my own life, I am not ashamed knowing that the grace of God on me is more than sufficient and it abounds in my weaknesses. I pray to God that one day He will touch your heart that special way He touched mine so that you too can experience the wonderful feeling that I cannot express, which touches me still. Shalom.

Reason, Season and Lifetime

Who are these people in your life?

What is reason?
The person was planted in your life to help you thru a phase and will have a deep impression because you share a period of your life with...
But when the person leaves, you don’t have to feel sad but have to accept because the purpose is done. After which the person has no "reason" to be in your life. It could be like project member, colleague, bosses or staffs.
People come and go for a reason.

Then what is season?
Season is like a good month.. It comes every year.
Like friends you party with, have fun with and spend time with.
Season comes and go……, there’s no need to miss, but will return.

What is lifetime?
Lifetime is like hmmm... maybe your buddy, your family, sometimes soul mates. You know, a person could be a "reason" who stayed on. Like you could have a friend...who was in your life to teach you something but you form a relationship...that you continually keep in touch down the years...
It means that lifetime is the little group of people who are left behind in your life; in your circle.

Do you have control over who to be reason, season and lifetime? Could people do that?
Maybe but it’s very tough…
So once we know that, it’s easier to accept. This thing is about understanding... Once you understand.., you will know and will accept.

Which one has more impact?
Lifetime, of course.

How does one know which is which? Only when they leave?
Yah, only when they leave. It’s kinda sad right? You will only realize when they leave.

But initially, you would treat them (new friends) like a season or reason or lifetime? What is your attitude towards them?
Hmmm…..maybe just friends. Then when you are done with them, you will categorize them. It’s for your own understanding.

But can you decide, at the beginning, who to be what since you can identify them - characters and personality; likes and dislikes?
Maybe cannot because you aren’t sure until they leave then you can see where they belong.

But you will know when you get to know them more along the way?
But how would you know it’s a lifetime until it’s a lifetime?
Then of course lifetime is hard to tell, season and reasons too.

So the easiest one to identify is season?
A staff could be reason. But if she ends up as a friend who don’t meet often; like a season or so in a year, then she becomes a season.

Does everyone start as a reason first?
Could be. Some will develop into lifetime.

Food for thought

Verses from my daily bread:

Ecclesiastes 9:11- 12

“ …..The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the brilliant
or favor to the learned;
but time and chances happen to them all.

Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come:
As fish are caught in cruel net,
Or birds are taken in a snare,
So men are trapped by evil times
that fall unexpectedly upon them.”

从新认识我自己

医学已证明人体器官和四肢如停顿久了就会瘫痪失去功能。 如有外来的刺激，功能便回返。思绪也一样。以往选择性的停顿导致思想简单了；迟钝了。没用心去深入的揣摩， 变的肤浅。情绪；观点的表达，不知从几时开始变得太中立。不偏袒也没意见，这可是没立场呀。

主呀，你的安排可让我措手不及。上周可把我给想破脑袋。还好，唤醒了我沉睡已久的思考细胞。细胞呀，你可要争气呀，分裂倍增的快一点。

可不是，认识我两年的知己还在很努力的和我沟通。 “ok啦； 还好啦；不错啦。。。。。” 什么嘛。。。。 我怎么都没什么立场表达？！沟通可是双方面的，因为我的思想停顿；思路观念狭宰，导致我无法了解他的立场。 他可是爱心十足啊。亲爱的，我可真佩服你，你和一只蛮牛交往，真是对不起。不要说两年的朋友，认识不到两个月的朋友都给我气的五倥冒烟。

主呀，谢谢你，让我从新认识我自己，恢复我那开通宽阔正面的思想和观念。
奉主耶稣圣名
阿门。

Encounter with Apocrita

The multistorey carpark at my house was covered with the dead bodies of honeybees. They formed black carpet on every level of the carpark. Scary……
I had difficulties going up the stairs to my carpark lot. Although they were dead, stepping on them gives me goose bums. Someone before me had created a small path among the dead bees. I had to tip toe and careful not to step on them. But I missed a few steps and I accidentally crushed some. The crispy sound and the liquid split out from them, Yeeeeewwwwwee…. Hummm, I wonder where is the remains of the queen bee?

I had my first close encounter with another species of apocrita when I was 8 yrs old, I mean, really close….
I was chasing some playmates in a field and I fell into a deep hole, my right leg was stuck in the hole. As I pulled myself up, that leg was covered with armies of red ants. I desperately jumped and slapped them off my leg with a slipper. Panic, sore from the bites, bruised from the smacking. :(

Such insects are superorganism, they move in colonies. I had my backpack invaded by big forest ants during my cadet inspector camp. It was dark in the tent and I had to reach into my bag to take something. I felt a sensation at my fingers and this sensation had moved very quickly across my whole arm. Imagine, you right arm is covered with hundreds of six legged fast crawling, big head with antennae creatures. Freak out!

Humph…. There is a bee hovering around me……. Are there more out there?
Which department to call for such emergency? HUH?!