Psalmist Power

等

2012-01-25T11:39:00.000+08:00

等待

你喜欢等待吗？

有些人不在乎等待的时间有多长，因终究会等到。
有些人很享受等待的过程，因结果会是甘甜的。

有些人咬紧牙根等待着，只盼个雨过天晴
有些人顺境逆境等待着，只求出人头地。

有些在等待的时候茶饭不思，有些则自甘堕落。有些在等待的时候急躁烦心，有些则心平气和。

等，是因为有希望。等，是因为＂它＂重要。等，是因为能长相厮守。等，是因为无路可走。等，是因为别无选择。等，是因为应许的承诺。等，是因为时机未到。

这充满＂喜怒哀乐＂的等，是你无法摆脱的。

Consumed

2012-01-17T00:10:00.001+08:00

Consumed

Totally zapped. Utter haggard.

Consumed

Fatigue. Tired.

Consumed

Drained. Jaded.

Consumed

Whacked. Exhausted.

Consumed.

Consumed. Crushed. Extinguished.

Miss you..... very much still

2011-10-23T15:22:00.002+08:00

Wan,

I saw your first love, K.L, in a restaurant at Railway mall. He sounded the same, except alittle husky.

You came into my mind, does he know that you have left this world.......? Does he know that you once loved him so much? Does he know that you once weeped so painfully when he left you?

Does he know that when you first saw Francis, you were on her mind? Does he know that Francis, the man you eventually married, sounds like him too and their mannerism seem similar?

You have brought these answers with you and I am holding on to these answers as the seal to our friendship.

I miss you very much still..... even though you departed so long ago..... I still do......

Ready to go?

2011-10-23T14:09:00.000+08:00

It was a long day for me. In one and half hour time, I will be successfully kept myself awake for 24 hours.

A woman got to do what a woman got to do – preserve. Wahahahaha

I am very grateful for Wing and Pammy for helping me move all the things to the new place. If I were to do it alone, it would have taken me 100 trips back and forth.

The little corner of the room is cozy and on the contrary, adjacent to this cozy corner, is a mess, which got to be cleared as soon. Don’t our lives also experiencing part goodness, part messiness?

Have been thinking about a statement made from CS at LM this morning. She was sharing that life is full of trials and sorrow, many things to worry about and life indeed is very tough. She mentioned that if Jesus’s 2nd coming in now, she is ready to go. I guess most of us would have nurture this thought sometime in our life.

Am I really ready to go? Does God think that I am ready to go? How ready is ready? Is the “readiness” an escape from the never-ending trials or a graduation of much victorious endurance life provides?

“I am ready to go” exudes a negative vibe or a positive aspiration. Who determines which is which and at which intensity. Does it exude a right attitude or a wrong perception?

As I am writing this blog, my iPhone has just went wacky, leaving me in the lurch with no Internet access and causing a rush of panics into this quiet night. In a sudden realization, there is no alarm clock to wake me up for church, sending the sense of helplessness and chased away my peace.

Such dependency on gadgets and Internet has left me paralyzed. As I reject this feeling of paralysis, I embrace the comfort from God’s promises I learnt from the Book of Isaiah. I am depending on a God that will not “ditch” me in any situation. He is unlimited and unchangeable. He is my NOW and FUTURE.

Whether I am “ready to go” or not, I have already gained. Thank you Daddy God.

What do You want me to do?

2011-03-13T23:01:00.003+08:00

Your Spirit says "go ahead" but I dun feel the intensity as much as the moment You planted the thoughts in my mind.
Why is it so? When I pen down, I suddenly feel very much lost for words.

Must I say it face to face? Is that why?

Gosh... spare me pls....

Serenity Prayer

2011-01-11T00:37:00.000+08:00

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen."

I usually come across the first part of prayer and God just prompted me to google this prayer. To my surprise.... The whole prayer pops out... Just so timely.... Just when I struggle to submit to His will, He promised He will make things right and ask me to trust Him. I like the idea that I will be supremely happy with Him forever in the next. He is greater than my fears and worries. Living one day at a time- that is all He wants me to do, to enjoy every moment each day, every minute...every melody, every sound, each spectrum of colour, every breath every heartbeat.

Praise God!!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!!

Finally in love

2010-05-19T19:36:00.001+08:00

I have been praying. Sometime the waiting and hoping tainted with doubts, hopelessness and disillusions. Why do I need that “someone”? Is the rare occurrence of loneliness silently consuming me or is the idea of “having someone by my side” creeps into me each dawn comes and dusk falls. After all, Father meant for each of us to have someone to love and to be loved. Then why is Daddy taking so long? Is Daddy God trying to teach me something here? Perhaps…. And so I waited and I listened hard enough…

Now, I am in love. I am so much in love that I would never imagine. During my waiting and seeking, Daddy taught me about what love is and how to respond to love. I thought I could love, well, at least from my past experience; I would give my all to love a person (some of my ex would defer, of course). Let’s put it this way, I love with the capacity of my little knowledge.

The long wait nurtures richness of love and vast experiences with our Daddy and of course with him. He has always been there for me and I acknowledge that as well. But I just didn’t realize how much he loves me; I took his presence for granted. I guess, Daddy made me grasped the fact that the ability to love and be in a God-blessed relationship, I must first to become conscious of his love for me. Daddy has unique ways to grow his children.

I can never imagine my life without him and away from him. I am so secured and comforted. There are so many temptations around me but all these could never take my sight off him ever again. To hurt him is the last thing I want to do. He has taught me how to love, who can compare to him?

He accepted me, my whole self and my past and willing to walk with me into the future. He never judges nor condemns. Too good to be true, yet the undeserving me is truly blessed to have him by my side. Now I understand what they meant by fish without water. How can I live one day without him?

I have hurt him so much before but he has never given up on me. He wept with me when I crashed, he rejoiced with me in good times. He lifted me up when I am down and he came to my rescue when I got myself into trouble. I will never forget that faithful moment he was with me in my car, I was driving aimlessly, my broken heart could not stop aching, I cried like a baby and he grieved with me. No more will I face tomorrow with uncertainty because I am so protected being with him.

I learnt how to love and I can never loved like he does but I know I am getting there. It is a journey. I am truly blessed. What more could I ask for?

You are the Wind beneath my wings. I am so loved.

一次与神的旅游

2010-04-14T02:01:00.001+08:00

终于完成了步行旅行的体验。不知经过多少路灯、多少小巷、跟多少人擦肩而过。

脑里竟只有ah Mi 演唱会的画面、背负着去机场前和妈妈吵架的心情和永远无法完成的工作，我很想能够找到一些平静、疑惑已久的答案 – 只有在神里面我可以得到。

Wing (同行的朋友) 在几个月前已到过欧洲、泰国、马来西亚一游。她说其实每个城市都一样，我也想是吧。对我而言，我想在不被任何事物“侵略”当下，能够好好地亲近神，做他翅膀下的“逃兵”。

韩国非常冷，被刺骨的风征服的我似乎把放假的源头给暂时搁在一旁。我只想什么都不想，什么话都不说，什么事都不做。我只想狠狠地睡大觉。放假的前奏是惊心动魄的，需要交代工作、完成手上的projects。都是避免老板的使命连环call。这样的赛跑则疼了我。为什么每一次拿假都要经历这样的折磨? 可能这就是老板的一套不鼓励你拿假的方法吧。

可以什么都不做吗？可以什么都不想吗？我可以不说话吗？可以吗？

在韩国之旅，我就像Amazing Race 并命完成旅游册上的每一个景点。心想反正我永远不会回来这个鬼地方，over my dead body.

最令我安慰的是香港之旅却让我心旷神怡。买东西吃东西！爽透了！我还买了Mi的DVD。在旅店再次回味了Mi的演唱会。

读了Mi的书，仿佛她为我写出了推挤在心里已久的感受。就是这样！无名的无力感紧紧地压着我。如没有神的力量，我已不知去了哪里。虽然心里非常渴望能够全职事奉神，但我知道并接受了神给我的答案。

我的生命是属于神的，我也曾经立志把生命交托给他，求他大大地使用我。他把我放在这份工作是有原因的，我必须接受。

God gives us the courage to change the things we can and the serenity to accept the things we cannot change.

我重生的人生就仅仅为主活。他给了Mi勇敢，也必给我这份勇气再次用我的生命荣耀他。

Mi，加油！我也加油！

Thank you Father for loving us.

为你而写

2009-11-14T00:51:00.002+08:00

再次重逢是主的安排。之前却从来都没和你聊上几句，对我而言，我们好比擦肩之交、萍水相逢。近8年来印象中的你有3阶段：

刚毕业的小女生，乳臭未干，披着长发穿着白衬衫，安静的坐在Zouk 的某一的角落
在 LU的时候，半工半读，不知几时开始非常喧哗，“口花花”，形象开始打折
你和Shaz在一起的时候， “抢走”我的好朋友，害我不能在我生日那天和她庆祝，就因为你和我都在同日同月哇哇落地。直到听到你们分手的消息，心里一直都在为刚回到主里的你而祷告。

现在的你确实长大了。经历的也非常多，也算是历尽沧桑吧。虽然之前我们并不熟，但我似乎好像对你的认识也不浅。我们相约在Novena的TCC见面，是我第一次近距离的和你谈话，近距离的看清楚你长得到底是哪副摸样。原来你是一个非常有原则、主见、看法的女生。一个非常努力舒服神的女生。一个神非常眷顾疼爱的女生。近两年你为神侍奉使我对你另眼相看，也成为我的榜样。

直到我们回到主怀里的那刻，我们永远摆脱不了魔鬼的诱惑和世间的情欲。但我们都有圣灵紧紧地把我们牵引在一起。什么时候我们哪个跌倒了，另一个来扶持，这可能是神把我们串在一起的原因吧。

加油！不要放弃！我可没放弃扶持你，也希望你也继续守护在我的身边，为我代祷。这世上，除了神，就是我们最了解对方了。不是吗？

当你感到失望和绝望时，我也感觉到了。当你心痛如刀割，我也痛了。当你迷失了，感到自己不属于任何世界的时候，记得，我也和你一样， citizen of neither, very out of place.

我们在坚持什么呢？唯有靠着神的应许、希望、盼望活下去。神的恩典，每一天是够我们用的。

I am here for you always because God is for you since the beginning of time. Hugs……..

牛奶与蜜

2009-07-08T01:38:00.000+08:00

六七月正是我大饱口福的果王季节。超爱吃榴莲的我陆续狂宴了四五局的索命连环吃吃吃。。。
一年才吃这么几次榴莲，我现已举白旗投降了。吃过量。: P

最近查经读到出埃及记里面说到，以色列民离开埃及，神如何赐予在旷野唯一生存的食物- 吗哪。手里拿着吗哪，嘴里怨念着埃及的肉锅和吃到饱的食物。肉锅的食物带着捆绑、带着黑暗。无味的吗哪却充满自由、充满光芒。

果王榴莲吃了几次就吃腻了，无味无色无酸甜苦辣的吗哪，你能吃多久？四天？四个月？四年？还是象以色列人吃了四十年？

从埃及到应许地是段直接的路，以色列人应该是很快的能够到达牛奶与蜜之地，为何在旷野吃吗哪就吃了四十年？

人自古记性差，忘了身陷捆绑是何等痛苦，每当痛苦涌上心头，就一而再再而三的苦求神帮自己脱离这痛苦。在这时候，是冲动或是敷衍得对神承诺和完全奉献自己。

人自古叛逆不满足，忘了神如何已帮自己脱离苦难。重返覆辙地怀念起缤纷亮丽璀璨的黑暗生活。又在这时候，偷偷地返回埃及寻找过往熟悉的自己。

吗哪只不过是暂时性，却有人愿意吃上四十年。四十年，都忘了肉和菜的味道、什么是酸甜苦辣。明明神已为了我们预备好的牛奶与蜜，为何却选择在旷野转？有些固执的我们却迟疑牛奶与蜜不比吗哪来得好吃。WHY?

牛奶与蜜的甘甜只有在我们选择进入应许地才尝得到。几时、多快尝得到，就在于我们几时选择完全顺服神。

其实，神已完全掌控这一切。

洗碗

2009-06-24T01:16:00.000+08:00

看着水从水龙头流出，那水声可真是舒缓一天累积的压力。

从什么时候喜欢上洗碗？突然发现洗碗可真有治疗的效果。

小时候曾厌恶厨房的活儿，如今却不尽意的原意干了起来。。。

当水轻轻地打在掌背、掌心上，如同皮肤抹上了一层保护膜

溪溪的流水声似乎把噗嗵噗嗵的心跳声抚平了。。。

是成就感，是责任感，

是那静静的劳动，是那净净的碗碟

洁白的泡沫把扰乱的思绪洁净了

水盆的旋涡把扰人的寂寞卷走了

不要叫我到你家义务的帮你洗碗

我可是非常挑场合，对象，时间

有机会，请我到你家吃大餐，

我可能会破例的帮你洗洗碗，让你见识见识 :P

A special birthday performance

2009-04-26T01:04:00.002+08:00

I am touched by the special arrangement put up by my band leaders and good friends @ a Christian Pub and Cafe. Thank you George (bro), Pak Shun (golf kaki ), Annie (dear ) and Tuck (my drinking kaki).

I thought that it would be a normal get together session. We prepared a medley of 2 Chinese songs. I was caught by surprise with the last item by them with my fav song – 我在这. Well of cos, it with sung by one of my fav singers, the one who can do this song so well that it touches me every time she sings, it none other than Annie. George and Annie have “their” songs, when they sing those particular songs, it is especially ministering and spirit filled.

Back to the performance, George had problem with the pub’s guitar, both he and Pak Shun could not gel due to the off tune guitar, hahahah. In the end, George had to abundant “zhao xia” guitar and just sing. Tuck was so immensely engrossed in his bass. Once a while, Annie took a glimpse at me as she sang, I just broke down. I had the best view of the band from the audience; they have the poise of the pro band. Woo hoo… It is a blessing to be in this band. I am very grateful to God that He places me among these wonderful people.

Seriously, I was oblivious about the last item. They are really good at fixing the surprises. Even for the presents, was carefully planned. I can feel Your love, Lord, from every little detail in the planning. Lord, I thank you for loving me through these wonderful bro and sis in Christ.

This year’s birthday endure a series of ups and downs. I experienced a spectrum of emotions before the actual day. But I know, You never leave me. You watch over me and take care of me. Father, thank you for your promise, when You see me, You see Jesus. I am not at all worth Your providence, the sin and deeds that I have done will never land me in the righteous place. Lord only by Your blood that I am saved and born again. Lord, thank you for the Cross, it is by Your Grace that I am here.

Thank you….. Without You, I will never be strong again.

活着的我不再是我

2009-02-16T01:04:00.001+08:00

我忘记了吗？我却想找回那种感觉，刺激，放纵，那个可能还深埋在里面的“真正的我”。

一瓶香嫔，一瓶白酒，再来两杯酒。我那很能喝的朋友却没事，我呢，却被打败了。换成以前的我，我相信我也一样会没事。
一支烟，再来一支烟，我记不起我抽了几根烟。
老实说，当时，我可不觉得我已戒了烟。我还是很自然，一口吸进，很轻松的呼出。这可是那熟悉的“我”。“我”又像以前一样，醉得清醒，吐得糊涂。

“我”在丝丝醉意里，开车回家，朋友开着她的车“护送”我回家。想必她认为她把我灌得那么醉，心里感到非常愧疚。无论如何，我还是要谢谢她，因为她帮我领悟到了。

加2：20 - 我已经与基督同钉十字架， 现在活着的不再是我 ，乃是 基督在我里面活着 ；并且 我如今在肉身活着，是因信神的儿子而活 ；他是爱我，为我舍己。

我原本想找回“自己”但发现，我已不再是“我”。我已不再喜欢这种感觉。好辛苦，我从未知道这种“辛苦”因为我没尝过“不辛苦”。我的身体非常不适，双手就像以前一样，熟悉得直颤抖。就是这样，我记起来了，我为何会把这种感觉给忘了？

什么是一身清？身体里面，细胞活跃，血循环，无污染，纯洁得很。即使是曾经习惯的酒烟，身体不再接受了。我从未知道这种“不健康”因为我没体会过“健康”。

什么是圣洁？我们被拣选，灵已交托给神，因着耶稣的宝血，我们已被洁净。即使是曾经做过属世的事，灵不再接受了。我从未知道这种“不圣洁”因为我没经历过“圣洁”。

肉体的情欲无法抵挡，但我深知，如果我们曾经有真正的仰望交托，神已在我们的身上动工。我们可以逃，可以继续纵容这肉体的情欲，这只有延期我们享受神给我们的真正快乐和幸福。

我们为何总在熟悉里寻找快乐和幸福？难道我们还不知道或已经忘了这熟悉曾一而在再而三得伤害我们？是我们记性差，还是我们认为神给的不比这好？

没错，无论我们如何违背神，神依然爱我们，反而他的恩典会加倍地够我们用。

神给的，真的不比现在渴望拥有的好吗？

乱了

2009-02-01T19:13:00.000+08:00

一张圣诞卡，不就是一张普通的卡片。里面却写着字字温馨和鼓励的话语。
身子病倒了，心灵疲乏，我可以走多久？

我还可以吗？我还可以做神的工作吗？我还可以吗？

这一次真的有一点打退堂鼓。想一想自己想做的事，再想想神要你做的。
当然，抉择是明显的。

以神为先，神自然成全你。

有时候会想太多，思绪任意的进出，恶念就像贼偷偷的进入污染你的思绪。
可真容易被恶贼弄乱，弄得糊涂，任意摧残。

神啊，请你常常洁净我思绪，这顶小小的战场需要你的保守。

Oxymoron truths about life

2008-11-01T02:12:00.002+08:00

The smart fools always think they are intelligent and speak only worldly wisdom.
The poor rich think that they have all the “bought” happiness and its enough.
The undiscerning wise chooses temporary possessions.
The spiritually-dead agnostic claims to be a believer of all gods.
The straight homosexual enjoys the life of both worlds but citizen of none.
The activist of freedom fights to stay in ignorant bondages.
The legalistic Levitt burns sin offerings for judging his fellowmen.
The indecisive remains unchanged in the fickle mindedness.
The person who always claims to speak the truth is a liar.
The person who proclaims to be humble is a boast.

The list goes on…..

Only God can uphold such complicated and profound lives…..
Only through Jesus all things are held together…..
Only by Him all things will be made right…..

The “First times”

2008-09-30T03:26:00.001+08:00

I’ve started to look out and appreciate the “first times” God has placed in my life, different stages of my life.

The trip with my loveones, especially my cousin engaged a different perspective this time…. The trip encompassed many first times……
This is the first time I truly appreciate every single minute I spent with them…. Everything we have done and every word we shared. I could have taken things for granted the last time but from now onwards, I want to take a different stand…..

Lord, I want to thank you for my cousin, I am very blessed to have her and very proud of her. Her inner strength, her toughness, her sensible disposition do me proud. I am so favored to have her as my cousin.

We have many first times together in this trip. For 30 over years, we have not really hanged out together before except when she was very young. For the first time, we braved each other into all the exciting rides in the amusement park, we played and ran in the rain and we sat in a roller coaster and tolerated the heavy raindrops on our faces. We screamed and cheered for our idol – Sammi Cheng. We waved and sang along to the music. We discussed religions and life. We shared our inner most secrets. For the first time, she heard my life stories, what I have went through and I had a deeper understanding about her and her point of view. We have our first – complete bottle of wine together, sat in the cable car and took a coach ride. First time, we went shopping, just the both of us, I bought her my first present to her. For the first time, and of cos, she is the first cousin I have let into the changing room while I tried my clothes. I feel sorry for her that she has to witness me at my most bloated state aka fat. She must have regretted for coming into the changing room. Hahahhaah.

Anyway, for the first time, I took a clearer look at her, she has grown up from a little girl whom I carry and held her hands when we went to a park in KL 22 years ago. For the first time, it occurs to me that she is now a lady, a tough woman. For the first time, I missed her and for the first time, I looked forward to our next meeting. For the first time, I cried as I prayed for her and thought of what she has been going through. For the first time, we are so transparent with each other. For the first time, we realized that we are so near yet so far. We could have been closer than anybody else cos we are connected by blood. For the first time, we filled each other at a point where we felt the most emptied. Circumstances forced us to be independent, handled things ourselves at very young age, the harshness of life caused us to keep everything to ourselves. Perhaps, I can relate to her, can understand the lack and void in her life. After all, we are experiencing the similar life at different places. I could be the more rebellious child and she could be the conservative one but we had our own fair share of the facets of life.

Why the tears, Lord? Why were there tears when I left for Genting and there’s tear when I am back? Lord, I now totally understand something which Limin has told me before. Feeling so much for something or a person requires divine strength, by our mere strength, it is very draining and discouraging. Lord, I am hanging on there for you to lead me to fulfil your purpose. Lord each day is a blessing and each day I am giving thanks for all I have.
Lord, I pray that Your joy and peace be filled in our lives, especially people whom have not known you or seen you. Lord, touch their lives just as how you have touched mine.

Amen!

Just some thoughts on my journey....

2008-09-29T23:46:00.001+08:00

The anticipation building up…. It’s 3am and I am still wide awake; on this coach from KL to Genting.

What if I see her and I did not get ready the letter? What if I have an opportunity to be up close and personal?

I have 2 missions, a mission to share and save and a mission to rekindle. Isn’t being at the concert a form of reunion? Perhaps…. Perhaps there is so much I can do, perhaps I should be contented.

Burdens in my heart travel with me and they accompanied me till this point. The realities of life never depart from me even I have left the real life to seek a temporary realm to be my true self. 4 days of “freedom” to laugh whenever I like, to be away from quotations and reports. Although away, I am still reachable by email and mobile. Will that make any difference?

What is true “letting go”? When peace is present and you are feeling a sense of security? When can I really let go? My heart is like a magnet, it sucks up any traces of emotions. It has to be transported by my senses to my mind. The process is tiring. Just like now, the coach is climbing the mountain; the horsepower manage to carry me to my temporary realm. I passed by some familiar places - Batu Caves, that was where I climb 270 steps to the bats cave, at the end of the cave you will see a sleeping Buddha and fragrance of bats’ poo poo. Life is a continous climbing and travelling, I am so grateful for God’s grace that I have the privilege to embark this journey He has prepared for me.

By the time we get to the peak, we still have 6 hours till check-in time. Enough time for us to have two meals prior to lunch. I drove on this road a few months ago, church retreat, not an easy road to drive on. I am back again. I think I like Genting, I like it because it has fond childhood memories. It reminds me of my Grandmother, my deceased uncles and aunties, and my once-upon-a-time a complete family.

Thank you Lord, for these memories. When I have a family, I will give my children the best memories. It will stay with them long, very long…. Praise you Lord, for bringing me back again….

You will be alrite, slowly but surely……

2008-08-30T01:12:00.000+08:00

What’s on your mind?

You have lots of thoughts and the frustration is eating you up and it’s unbearable.

I can understand the struggles in you, hang on there, you will be alrite.

You want to talk, you want to express it out but there’s no word coming out of your mouth. Simply, there’s no word to describe exactly how you are feeling now.

What do you want to do?

Nothing, because nothing can fill this gap; the bond which you have void long ago.

The consequences are hard to bear, hang on there. You will be alrite.

Metamorphosis takes a while, takes a while of inaction, stagnant, stillness, quietness, solitaire. Before you become a beautiful being, transformation brings along some pain, some tears, some loneliness, some disillusion and some confusion.

You will be alrite, slowly but surely……

在“生死边缘”，我被救赎了。。。。

2008-08-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

看着面前的弟兄姐妹一一的倒下，心里希望下一个不会是我。凶恶的审判官走到我面前，我的心噗嗵噗嗵的跳，他举起手指向我。该我了，中大彩也没这么准。我害怕，手遮住双眼，我不想看到他们怎么处死我。心想，最好是一枪毙了我，死得快。全身急迫的紧张，呼吸加速，我心里着急的“开枪啊，为什么还不开？”

这时，我只感觉到口中被喷了一种无味的液体，不到5秒，我全身开始麻木了，我就像之前的弟兄一样倒下了。四肢无力，只是知道口里开始吐出白沫。

“hang on there, 等他们走了，我帮你洗掉口中的毒药。。。。” 口中吐出白沫，身体已麻木了，我听到姐姐这样安慰我。所有关在这里的基督徒都这样，一个一个等着，等着下一个会不会是自己，无助的被送上亡泉之路。

我无力的身躯，俯卧在桌子上，妈妈回过头看着我，她的眼神中带着几许的无奈和无助。“神啊，这就是死的感觉吗？我曾经好奇的想知道死的感觉是怎样的，现在终于体会到了。”但我没想到竟会如此体会。“神啊，我要活下去，我还有很多未完成的事。我会活回来的。。。”口中继续吐着沫，肚子里所有的都吐了出来。这比喝酒醉的时候还来得顺畅。视线慢慢的迷糊，我感觉不到外面的空气，感觉不到我的身体。。。。 “我累了，但我会等，等着姐姐的承诺。”

我醒来了。这里是我的卧房，确定，这是我熟悉的，确定，是一场梦，一场很真实的梦。在梦中的生死边缘，我有极大的生存毅力，现在活生生的我，必须活得比梦里来的更坚强、更坚持、更勇敢。我还有什么保留的呢？我还有什么不敢放手的呢？感谢主让我在梦中体会到“死”，感谢阿爸父的怜悯与恩典不让我在现实的生活经历这段“生死边缘”。

阿爸，请继续提醒我这力量，你赐的力量，我要活得更精彩，活出更漳县你荣耀的生命。感谢你在干枯的沙漠赐我绿洲、在无际的海洋赐我避风港、在稠密的森林赐我避难所。

生命里背负了很多杂七杂八的东西，当每一次慢慢的拨去一层又一层， “你会鼻酸，你会流泪”，就像拨开洋葱一样。也不就只是鼻酸和流泪而以吗，鼻涕流完了、眼泪流尽了，还是好汉一个，唱着“黄飞鸿”。。。。 : P

A glimpse of “I love you but God loves you more….”

2008-08-07T01:26:00.000+08:00

One day, a man was walking on the beach- alone and sad, looking at the foot prints on the sands, he asked Jesus, "Lord, when I was happy, I saw two sets of footprints, I know You are with me. Now I am sad and depressed, I only see one set of footprints. Where are you Lord, have you forsaken me? Why am I all alone?" Jesus heard him and replied: "Son, the footprints you saw are Mine, I am carrying you in your time of depression and sadness." The man was still doubtful and asked Jesus:" Lord do you love me?" Lord replied: "Of cos I love you." The man then asked again: "How much Lord, how come I don’t see it and feel it?" The Lord stretched out His arms and open His palms and revealed the wounds, His body stood upright like a cross and replied: "Son, I love you this much. "

His love is enough for us everyday. Enjoy His presence now.

郑秀文- 加油吧 God’s favor on you ... ...

2008-07-27T23:56:00.004+08:00

感谢上帝的恩典。我又在一次看到你回返舞台上。

相信每一位歌迷都会认同你的舞台魅力仍然光芒四色，这一次多了属灵的感动。

我买了你的Show Mi Concert DVD, 一次过看了5遍。看着你坦言的诉说你这两年 “消失”的原因，听你读着写给自己的信，不经勾起我很多的回忆和我这两年的经历。

想不到，当我的偶像正在寻找真正的自己的时候，上帝也一点、一步的把我牵回他的身边。两年前陆陆续续对你的报道很多，令我担心的是你得癌症的消息。当时的我就好像在做好心理准备似的，将要失去一位“相识”已久的“朋友”。我的过去，这些朔造我的过去将会随着你的“离去”而消失吗？虽然你不认识我，而我也是你上千万个歌迷之一，但在我心深处，你则是陪了我走回主，走回天父怀抱里的一位“朋友”。

“值得”使我开始喜欢上你的歌，你的表演。那一段日子是我人生的一个转捩点。我堕落了，我跌倒了，你的歌则每天在KTV 陪着我堕落。当时的我对人生完全失去了方向，过一天是一天。几年后，你的歌也让我成功的被入选并签了一年的歌手训练班合约。当然，那时我已经26岁，还会有人要捧我吗？哈哈。这我就认了。但还是要感谢李伟松老师给我这个机会，让我能够体验正统的vocal training. 还记得老师常说我必须摆脱你的影子，发觉我自己的风格。虽然曾经想要成为舞台上的你，但随着时间的流逝，我渐渐的，慢慢的走进观众席，手中握着万把荧光棒之一，成为一位永远支持你的歌迷。

你的每一个专辑就好像我人生马拉松长跑的路标。每一次经过一个路标我就会感到一点点地成就，庆幸我已完成一段路，盼望着下一个路标来奠定我人生另一个前进。这也是为什么当你决定放长假的时候，我突然觉得失去了一个并肩作战的朋友。我当时也决定了我不再听流行音乐。

从那天开始，我有了新的“战友”，那就是神的话语和诗歌。他把你从我生命里暂时拿开，同时间的从新塑造我们。上帝让我看到了自己，让我看到了过往我走的路并不是他要我走的。All these while, it was my way, never His. 他使我看到了我以前责备他的十万个为什么，原来都是我的固执与执著。两年走来，心路旅程就好像蜕变的蝴蝶，酝酿着快乐和幸福的开始。在主爱中是何等的安全，我已不再害怕担心将来，完全的放下，完全的依靠他。我的过去没什么可夸的，但他已原谅我并爱我如同他爱耶稣一样。跌倒了的我如果用自己的力量爬起来并没什么，可现在的我就如同飞鹰展翅，力量来自天父，重新开始。就好像你重回舞台，你回来了，你的勇气回来了。我的勇气也回来了，我们都因这上帝给我们的力量回到他赐我们的舞台，散发的是属灵的光芒。我现在的工作是把诗歌唱好，把歌写好，好好的为神疼爱的儿女侍奉。

我开始听流行音乐，开始盼望你的下一个作品。我知道主会带领我们，保护着我们。请继续加油，我会永远支持你。

原神的慈爱，圣灵的感动与你同在。

阿门。

无限的赐福

2008-04-13T03:57:00.001+08:00

神的大能是无限的，是无所不在的，是好比无形的磁铁吸引到你面前，挡也挡不住。

我非常蒙福，有机会到 Max Pavilion 连看了两天的免费的大型Worship Concert, 领唱的是世界著名的Planetshakers 和Tim Hughes.

到来参与的观众大多是青少年，我和一起同去的朋友们是属于较“老”一点的观众。看过这么多种演唱会，唯有为主开的演唱会是那么激扬，澎湃，简直是痛快！在主爱中，我们是何等自由，快乐和平安！

看到这些非常爱主的年轻人，跟着激昂的音乐跳动起来，我们这些“老人”不知何时也跟着舞动起来。我妈和干妈也突然年轻了，充满圣灵的感动而举手赞美这位权能的主。

我们坐在较后面的位子，一眼可看到一片喧哗，一个动作，一起跳动，一律举手赞美。感动得我不禁流下喜悦的泪。心里开始问主“为何不让我早一点认识你？我就不会走这么多冤枉路。”主慈祥的回答说“我一直都在你身边，是你选择不要靠近我。看，这还不晚呀！在我这里，你们都会蒙福，失去的时光，青春，金钱，时间，等等都将能补上。”一眼开过去，不同种族，年龄，背景，学历，形状的人，都一起聚集在这里，一起以歌声献给爱我们的主。

曾经拥有很多物质上享受的我，虽然现在打回原型，可现在的我其实什么都不缺。我感谢天父给与我的爱，我母亲和家人的得救比任何事物来的重要。做梦也没想到会和母亲一同在教堂崇拜，一起唱诗歌，一起研究圣经。最不可能的，神都可以办得到，何况是现有碰到的棘手的事物和债款。他是创造宇宙万物的神，是我的阿爸父，在基督里我有了新生命和盼望。

他非常爱我，带了很多朋友到我的身边，帮助我，爱护我，勉励我，扶持我。感谢你们， Hilda, Limin, Pam, Kelly, Yoko San and Angela. 你们是主给我的福，你们是福。 You guys are God’s blessings to me, thank you being a blessing in my life. May the Lord shower His favor on you and covers you with His protection!

最美的一刻

2008-01-25T01:23:00.000+08:00

何时何日曾向天父祈祷。。。

何曾把祈祷过的事抛到脑后。。。

当我已把它给忘了，它竟然实现了。。。

这可是我最大的礼物。。。

从我下定决心，至今一路走来，艰苦但我知道，如果我跌倒了，我便是跌在天父手里。

这可是我鼓起万分的勇气，终于，耶和华阿爸天父赐我最美的一刻。。。

1月20日，亲眼目睹了妈妈接受主的一幕。。。

在牧师为她祈祷的那一刻，我喜悦的眼泪几乎遮盖了我的视线。

急忙把手机拿出来，把这一幕录了下来。

这是肯定，这是给我的信心，鼓励，加油。。。

你再度让我知道你就是真神。

感谢你，阿爸天父，你是何等荣耀，尊贵，全能！！！

阿门。

Out of Your Love I sing

2007-10-22T00:34:00.000+08:00

(V1)
I walk away from Your sight, out of fear
I turn away from Your love, out of shame
I hide in darkness and isolation
But I know Your are near/ (here)…..

(C)
Lord I sing, sing in Your glory
Lord I weep, weep in Your mercy
Lord I come, into Your presence
Lord I know, You are near/ (here)…..

(V2)
I stumble and fall, I am wounded
I struggle to hold, I am broken
I thought I am better without you Lord
But I know You are near/ (here)…..

(C )
Lord I sing, sing in Your glory
Lord I weep, weep in Your mercy
Lord I come, into Your presence
Lord I know, You are near/ (here) *Repeat Chorus
(Out of Your Love, I sing…..)

Pam, your turn....
I am looking forward to the tunes....
Can't wait!!!! :)

Welcome Home!

2007-08-28T13:50:00.000+08:00

Have you been searching for the right answer, the right person, the right job, the right investment, the right house, whatever you are searching for, the search is definitely draining you OUT!

Are you searching to fit in or searching for things or person to fit you? In either way, you maybe right.

The temple you went, the church service you attended, the tarot cardreader you paid, you went with a wish, a prayer, a hope. No matter what religion we belong to, we pray with a lack, not with gratitude and thanksgiving.

A prayer is a an effect (reflection) of your thinking, your thinking is an effect (reflection) of your emotion.

Pray for wealth --->(thought)I am poor ---> (emotion) worries
Pray for health --->(thought)I am ill ---> (emotion) upset
Pray for partner --->(thought)single--->(emotion) lonely, sad

Just to name a few. Too bad, it does not work in the formula of -ve + -ve = +ve.
How can you experience miracles when you thinking and feeling double negative?

In New Age teaching, it is called the Law of attraction (The secret)
In religious point of view, it is called faith.

Next time you change a different prayer. Pray with thankfulness and abundance, you see the tsunami of miracles in your life.

When you are on your way to success, you are getting closer to "home", which you desired for a long time.

Welcome "home", you must be tired, come and have rest.

Get a life!

2007-02-02T15:58:00.000+08:00

What on earth is that?

Stupid excuses, stupid arguments.

Don’t make others do the things you yourself can’t even deliver.

“Do onto others as what you want others do onto you (but do it first)”

Where’s the liberation?

Get a life! Go out there and get a life!

Look around you…… Who is there for you when you need someone to talk to?

Nobody will pity you cos you are the one who allowed that. You allowed these to happen. You are in control of your own life. You got to be happy before people around you are happy. But never be a crowd pleaser. It’s never ending.

So move on and move out your comfort zone. Nobody will stop you, nobody can cos it’s your life. You lead the life you want. What you want, go get it!

沟通

2007-01-22T18:29:00.000+08:00

不只是言语上的交流，不只是咨询上的传达。
不是缓和疑心的管道，不是讽刺言论的桥梁。
是了解一个人的理想，情绪，心情，感情。
是听，用心听，用心感觉，用眼神肯定，用手抚慰。
是和跟你不一样想法，观念、背景的人拥有的共鸣。

可以不认同对方的看法，但不可强硬对方接受自己的看法；这不是辩论。
可以表达自己的意见，但不可以用指责、责备的语气；这就不是沟通而是吵架。

可以培养吗？还是需顺其自然？或是不能勉强，有就有；没有就没有？
需要一而再，再而三的尝试吗？
是说“请你讲，我愿意听，静静地听”？
还是容易引发自我防卫的炸弹；别人还没说完就抢先为自己辩护？

是门艺术也。

如我妈说的：“沟通是先听后评。毕竟上帝给与我们两只耳朵、一张嘴。”

Are we conscious of our actions when we were drunk?

2007-01-22T18:15:00.000+08:00

Was it a natural flow of their most hidden emotions that they have it suppressed deep inside them?
Now that you are drunk, you have the courage to express it out? Were they conscious of their actions or totally had no clue?

Some mistakes were thus the results when ones were drunk, they blame it on the alcohol and who are they trying to fool? Some totally acted blur: “huh? Did I?” Some conveniently forgot that people were watching.

Are there some stigmas inevitable; closely labeled to intoxication of alcohol that people are forced to accept as excuses? Or maybe, why even bother to look at them? People are just wanna be out having fun and that include the one you are “romantically” seeing.

结束/ 开始

2006-10-03T02:44:00.000+08:00

有什么“结束”了，你会开心？
有什么“开始”了，你会害怕？
有些“结束”让我们觉得以后的日子会一片渺茫；
有些，却让我们感到新的希望的来临。
在我们周围，每一天都在面对着“结束”与“开始”,
结束了一段恋情，开始了自己一个人的生活。
开始为一个人打开心窗，结束了漂浮无岸的航程。
开始了婚姻的日子，结束了单身生活。
结束了二人世界，开始了为人父母的责任。

不要害怕结束，因为往后的开始会更多姿多彩。
不要为“开始” 感到紧张，因为接下来的结束不代表失败。
人生就像一道门，开了也会关；关了再开。
这道门关了，还有另一道门为你而开。

试着把手贴近你的心，心脏瓣膜每一秒都在开关，生命就是这样地延续。
它没停，你为何要放弃？

Thanks

2006-09-17T16:37:00.000+08:00

Thank you so much for being here for me....
Like at your deathbed, you will know who are the ones who truly care.

I love the challenges that are put before me. Be of good cheer as Christ has conquered all.....
I look forward what my future may bring, many new opportunities, new people, new businesses......
My baby always tell me " what doesn't kill you will make you stronger" I am stronger now.....

Blessed am I . I am grateful. For this life, for this love, for this friendship....

As for those not so fortunate ones, there will not be any remnants of you in the future.

Have a nice day.

I am so blessed!!!!!!

2006-07-28T01:03:00.000+08:00

What a blessed day!!!!!!!!
Amazing grace is upon me today. This is so so …….. Incredible!!!!
Everything is renewed today, faith, hope, dreams.
Thank you Father for this undeserved favor!
You wouldn’t believe what He has renewed……… This love from Him is true.
Praises to the Lord!!!!!
If you lack anything and lost faith, pray and let Him handles it.

Count your blessings…… one by one……

2006-07-25T03:44:00.000+08:00

今天过得如何？
心情如何？
可否算过侵略心里的那些感叹号，问号，句号？

7月19日那天。。。。
连环车祸，伤了脖子，右手，左肩！
口袋将会破大洞！
Baby 吓得脸青唇白！
我也不知道我伤得多重，心里只想安抚她的惊恐。
为什么是我？为什么是“啾啾”？
“啾啾”老了，为什么还要经历这样的意外？
老“啾”是我的车。
它可能不行了。。。。

从来没发觉我会如此想念它。每次都埋怨它。
可它还是无怨无悔的帮我遮风挡雨。

看看周围可有多少个“啾啾”？
可曾感谢过上帝赐给你身边“理所当然”的事物和人？
Count your blessings…… one by one……
我们所拥有的都是上帝的恩典。不是吗？

This is Grace – unearned, undeserved favor from God.

太爱了！：）

2006-06-27T02:30:00.000+08:00

太可爱了！
世上可有这么可爱的脸孔？！
太可爱了！
世上可有这么可爱的举动？！
太可爱了！
世上可有这么可爱的鬼脸？！
太可爱了！
世上可有这么可爱的谈吐？！
太可爱了！
世上可有这么可爱的挑逗？！
太可爱了！
世上可有这么可爱的“阴谋”？！
太可爱了！
世上可有这么可爱的施爱？！
太可爱了!
世上可有这么可爱的她！
太爱，太爱了！！！！
爱得太疯狂了！！！

Long lost friend

2006-05-17T03:10:00.000+08:00

What a small world! I received an email from a person who claimed that she knew me. Read her profile and we added each other on MSN.

True enough, we knew each other back in Dec 91, the NPCC Cadet Inspector Course. Whaaaaaaa, we so old now, our birthdays are two weeks apart. Hahahaha so funny…..
She could remember that I was the best cadet of that year and I roughly could figure the school she was from…… I thought that my memory is bad, but guess my brain is still functioning pretty well….. Well, perhaps, selective memory…. We are both glad that out of 100+ CIs, we could still identify each other after all these years…..

We kinda teased each other about how we looked back then, or rather, I was teasing her that she looked more girl girl then….. hahahaha. She was so skinny when I knew her, now I almost could not recognize her. Hahahaha
Hey, no offend huh, friend……if you get to read this…. Heeeeeee

But she is still adorable lah…. Smile…….

PS: Hey, friends, if you ever viewed my frienster’s profile and saw there is this particular photo of mine uploaded so many times, pls pardon me, k
The system went wonky … so I was not sure if I had correctly uploaded it. So I tried many times….. Once they are uploaded, I will delete the excess away, k. Kiss…..

寂，光，静

2006-05-14T14:44:00.000+08:00

闹群必藏寂静，亦闹亦寂也。
含笑必藏虚意，亦笑亦虑也。

暗潮需寻光线，越暗光明也。
视觉倘若模糊，形意显明也。

宣化只求静季，亦静心清也。
清然溟溟透彻，从寂，光，静也。

P.S: That’s what I have gathered from people I have been hanging out with. New revelation for me. Friends, hope you guys like this poem, coming out with this kinda drained my brain juice. hahaha

For those don’t read Chinese, you may get the English translation from me, k. You know my email. Hahahahaha

“Chao Tah” (Burnt) – Part 2

2006-05-12T12:31:00.001+08:00

There were not many people there at the beach….. beer made us sleepy… Jil’s gang apparently was eating every single minute; peas, snacks, fish and chips, pizza……. OMG…..
Jrie was my timer, she reminded me to flip to avoid getting too burnt since I fell asleep on the bench. Hahaha so sweet of her…. But anyway, I am still burnt at the end of the session while I was reading my book. Too engrossed in that book that I was not aware of the sun….. :(

A couple of pretty people around, a traightsay couple practically kissing all the time in the water in front of us, exhibiting their “passionate” acts…. C’mon, go back home and do it….. PLEASE SPARE US FROM THE AGONY!!!!!!!

Someone caught my eyes….. the fish and chips that person was having lured my friends to order one themselves. Saw the same person later at night in the club too…..Stylish, good dress sense, working in the airline. Apparently that person is a friend of a friend. This circle is very small, everybody knows everybody. Both good reputations and bad names are pretty transparent. We tend to compare notes….hahahah, so amused to find out the similarities in the things people repeated to so many people.

Anyway, mummy is very shocked to see how burnt I am. It’s been donkey years since she last saw the chao tah me. Hahahaha
It’s fun to see the reaction on her face. She doesn’t like me to be tanned, says that I look like a dirty kid. Hahahaha Now, I am a dirty looking adult. Peace, mummy, peace……

“Chao Tah” (Burnt) Part 1 – to be continued………

2006-05-12T06:01:00.000+08:00

Woken up by the itch on my back……stoned…… sitting on my bed, scratching my back… stoned……. My back feels hot from the sun tan….. at this time, really wish someone could be here to help applying cream on my back…. Hahaha

I am all “chao tah”, head to toes….. hahhahah

Ok… I am feeling sleepy again…. after all these reaching and stretching; trying to spread cream on my back…. Tired….

To be continued………. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Wonderful Sunday

2006-05-07T11:25:00.000+08:00

The sun is so good, need a tan…..
Then again, have to change my foundation if get too “chao tah” hahahah :)

Maybe a short trip is good, too many projects on hands.

Just relax at the beach with a good book and ice cold beer. At night, go for a good seafood dinner then a good spa treatment and finish off the day by sitting at the beach, chatting and watching the stars with a nice bottle of wine! Perfect!

Cool…..

If you need a short trip like me, join me k. Good to have one or two good companions. Cheers….. yup yup yup….. :)

Geez….. I was looking at my photos taken years ago, I look younger now, hum…. Wonder why…. God has renewed my youth…. Hahahaha. Thanks to my pastor whom been praying for our congregation.

What a wonderful Sunday…. Excited to hear His message again. Ok, back to my book, am bringing it along with me. After church, am going for a nice earl grey tea (with honey, uumph…..) and soft lobby music - sedate, though my book is thought provoking. Heee........

Same old issues years after years

2006-05-06T17:34:00.000+08:00

This will be my 2nd time voting out of the past 3 elections, the last one was walkover.

What are these? Lifts on every floor, shelters, upgrading blah blah blah… Is that all to an election? Issues concerning domestic (rather, immediate benefits to oneself) usually used to cloud the whole significant of election. See the big picture.

When a vote is cast, there are many reasons behind it. To the old, reasons may be the lifts on every floor, shelters and all. To the bo-chap, it’s just a cross on the obvious box. To younger generation, what is the use of having all those upgrading when one can’t present a paycheck home? To the kia-si, better stick to the usual people who have been here the longest time. To the righteous, credits are given even though nothing drastic has been done in 20odd years in service.

For the capable, major and minor issues are taken care of and nonsense scandals ignored. For the outnumbered, all can be heard is loud and long funny speeches, some make sense, some are just retaliation. Make some waves and hopefully be heard. Alternative voices, getting louder.... The results will reflect this.....

All for the same purpose, serving their dreams and the nation. Whether win or lose.

Naughty

2006-05-06T16:41:00.000+08:00

Finally, YN and I had our la la la session. I sang so badly cos my voice has not recuperated from the cough I had a week ago. But it was alright, we tried new songs. Fun.

YN is still coping with the break up. Oh well, what does one obtain from
ONS, it was but just acts on bed and absence of all emotions and feel. She dared me last night, if I could bring someone home from the party, she will let me drive her car for a day. Plssssss lor….. I told her straight in the face, I love to have her car but no thanks. I don’t do ONS. You get turn off by the stuck face and stiff body and the unfamiliar mourns. Come on…… What’s true pleasure is two wild things game enough to explore, hot, naughty and passionate. This person got to be a REAL TURN ON.

Put down the top, the wind messed up our hair, her car is a “selfish” car with no rear seats. I prefer convertibles with rear seats. The sound system is superb. Can someone drive me instead of me behind the wheels? I love to be driven too you know. Hahahaha
Well, she promised that once she converted her license she will drive me around.

Brought her to party last night, physically there but mind and soul are kept in London. Well, she had kisses from some pretty strangers, at least, that was the highlight for her. Ha ha ha….

I was busy matching making my friends, kinda fun. Just hope that the targets of my friends would not get the wrong idea from me. I could see a change on their face when the real intention was brought forth. I was so naughty. Hahahaha

YN and I had to run off to another pub to meet other friends. Sang 2 songs, but was forced to drink more. They are such good drinkers and I used to be one of them, oh my, age is catching up.

搞错了

2006-05-03T14:37:00.000+08:00

哎哟，原来如此。。。。
这可比喻用了及丢的碗碟，给懒惰的人，不用洗，方便无比。

哈哈哈哈哈。。。。真好笑。。。。 :P

是，这事儿严重不了。是，是，是。

现在看见了，不晚。

No title - Fit your own....

2006-05-03T11:02:00.000+08:00

Party last night was really fun; saw many friends whom I have not met for a long time and of course met new friends. I remembered my last blog on the “reason, season and lifetime”, I saw them all in the club last night. Ren, was there, she has been there for me for the longest time, she has seen me through three serious relationships and a worthless "fling" (I will elaborate more later). She is a great woman, after what I have done, she is still there for me. She is a “lifetime”.

Oh ya, the worthless fling, she is definitely a “season”, she “bastarded” on me when we were dating, behind my back she was hitting on my friend. That’s betrayal No. 1. The funny thing is that my friend, ML, reciprocated, that’s betrayal No.2. She just disappeared from my life, without even to end it probably. I totally ignored her presence still after all these while, it’s been 6 years cos she is not worth anything from me at all, not even a “hi”. She tried to get back my friendship years ago, thinking that I still had feelings for her, oh gosh, GET A LIFE! A leopard will never change it’s spots. She did the same to my friend after 2 years of their relationship. ML was devoted to her, but not knowing she has loved a wolf, a selfish one.

I believe what goes around comes around; this wolf finally tasted her own medicines. She fell really badly, jilted by the girl she likes, she couldn’t bring herself together. Her career crumbled, she spent her money away. She left with nothing. Once a “high and mighty”, a snob, has fallen, came crawling back to the group of friends, but they still embrace her. I saw her last night, she looked pathetic. But she is better now comparing months ago.

History repeated again, but I have learnt the lesson well. The woman whom I like will be a season in my life. Blindness causes irrational behaviors. Anyway, I can accept the fact that what I set my eyes on this time is not good enough for me; I cannot love the acts of debauchery and promiscuousness and betrayal. Pathetic.

Ahhh… the valet guy at the club, He is a “reason”. He parked my car. I don’t really understand why people usually recognize and remember me. Since my first visit in Feb, he remembers me. I dun drive expensive luxury car, my car is realistically normal, with a funny colour. Hahahaha I wonder why….

I dun need a valet ticket, he just took over my wheels and he knows when I am leaving, my car is started when I come out of the washroom. That’s his job, I am one of his privilege customers. I am thankful for this privilege. He said he was expecting to see me last month but I was not there. I usually tip him but last night, he refused.

The same happened to me when I washed my car at SPC along Bukit Timah. They waved at me as I drove in the station. My purple Jiu Jiu is rather obvious. Hahahaha. I usually have special treatments. I am so blessed and I know the favors of God are upon me.

Praise Him. Amen :)

Crazy weekend

2006-05-01T23:51:00.000+08:00

Gosh! What a crazy weekend, watched 2 movies in a roll with Hil and LM on Saturday after work. Sermon in church on Sunday was inspiring. Then come the crazy Sunday night – our monthly gathering - Games Day.

I was late for the games cos I spent a long time in Borders buying a book. Walked into Mango, bought a top and headed to my fav That CD Shop. I was in the mood for oriental lounge music. The mysterious pieces of Chinese orchestral music married the layback lounge rhythm, weird but nice. The immediate picture flashed into my mind was a naked oriental woman moving slowly to the rhythm, she had this long white silk in her hands, she held closely to her, the soft silk stick to her fair smooth body, revealing the curves and details of her body……. Seductive ………
I scanned through at least five CDs, but due to the rush, I did not have time to really listen to all. I will go back again this week, will probably spend 2-3 hours there to get what I want.

I stepped the accelerator hard and “baptized” the cars behind me with the exhaust. When I reached my friend’s house, they were already half way through the third game. It was funny watching them. They were a bunch of spontaneous angels. I was late, there was a penalty. I was told to eat something they have prepared beforehand. They are very good cooks, but I was full from my dinner so I rejected. But they insisted that I had some. As I went near the dinning table, I freaked out! Those were not normal foodie. They have hairy legs and wings. WORMS, INSECTS and FROGS!

So that was the penalty they used for the games. Cool. I have not tried eating those before, have seen them alive but not cooked. Those on the plates were already fried. Well at least, there were no fried cockroaches in sight. I hate cockroaches, dead or alive. I scrutinized the “delicacy”, held them in my hands and smell them. The frogs smelled like salted fish, the rest could not really describe. Anyway, before I could react, my friend took one of the worms and stuffed it in my mouth. Ok, so I chewed. Hum…. Not too bad, salty but the worms have a funny after taste. Maybe because it was dried, so the slimy substains in them had turned into powderish stuff. Then came the grasshoppers, the hairy legs kinda reminded me of the cockroaches, but what the heck, I put them in my mouth. It was crispy and salty, but no after taste, nice, I like the grasshoppers. There was this funny looking black insect, I think it was cricket. They didn’t taste that good either. The WORST of all was the frogs. They looked dried and felt crispy, but they were hard to chew. The head was hard to bite off so I put the whole thing in my mouth. Oh man, they stink! They felt like cuttlefish but they really stinko man, especially when I chewed on the backside, it smelled like shit. The legs were poking the wall of my mouth. I spit it out. Yucks!!!!! I still prefer the grasshoppers.

Tell you man, if those insects were alive, I will never go near them. I would grab hold of anything to exterminate them. Yup. But the fried grasshoppers, I don’t mind to have a few more.

I am looking forward to the next gathering. This time round will be Costumes Doll up. One of our friends owns a popular costume chain, we gonna choose and pick what we wanna dress in. What shall I be? Angel? Mascots? Wonderwoman? No, too little cloth.

But what the heck, we are all aygays and esbianlay. Aygay Power!

我笑了

2006-04-30T03:33:00.001+08:00

水是冰的，早上8点就在浴室里被冰水折疼得跳起浴室“土风舞”。真滑稽。身上的烟味，酒味；昨晚接触到的“污垢”，随着泡沫，沿着我的身躯一点一滴被冲走。

仔细的看了镜里的我，脸上原来是带着微笑。我在笑什么？笑我自己跳的“土风舞”？在笑那场无缘无故卷入的无聊和浪费时间，白痴玩的游戏？笑我当了某人许多白痴司机们的其中一位？笑我成了某某人拿来炫耀自己的奖牌？笑这一切是个笑柄？

我笑了，因为我心里还是充满着爱。被爱是幸福的，每个人都在渴望被爱，但能够去爱人更幸福，不过只能去爱有资格被爱的人。不是任何人都懂得怎么去爱。为利益而爱是下等人；上等人则讲诚心。我笑了，因为我领悟了，在一张漂亮脸孔背后的丑陋。这种丑是低级犯贱没有内涵。我笑了，因为我发现怕被伤害；自卫的自私方法，是先去伤害身边无辜，真诚的人。我笑了，策划无耻卑鄙的布局，借别人的圈子来得到自己的利益。这种“本事”也不过如此。我笑了，因为有些人表面风光，内心空虚。永远在追求别人看得到的东西，现代的奴隶。

我们都活在笑话里。当然，还有很多可爱的人和事物都会让我们不尽意得笑了。

笑吧，笑一笑十年少。

Trance

2006-04-19T22:42:00.000+08:00

It’s floating, floating……like a balloon….
It’s not connected to the body….
The vision is blur and yet experiencing a semi-conscious state of mind.

The taste buds seem to be sleeping, guess have been working hard for a long time.
The throat stored feathers that tickle, it is inflamed and a real bad one…. The vocal box is temporary out of order. Repair is needed.

The upper torso gasping for air, the limps are detached and they seem to be able to function well on their own. Spasms recur each time as the “boat sails in”……. Irritating spasms…. The nerves would jump to the rhythm of the music.

Switching scenes of hallucination and ecstasy, there is this familiar face reappearing. Gosh, please give this mind a break.

A beautiful song

2006-04-19T01:53:00.000+08:00

The night is quiet and driving on the highway with the window down refreshes me. The songs playing from 90.5FM send a nostalgic conversion to my vision, as if I am back to that era.

In my mind, I am thinking about this song…….. “Besame Besame Mucho…..” I lost the CD and kind of miss this song. I think the DJ can read my mind, this song is next. Hee Hee. Cool. Imagine you could do the same to people you are thinking of now. “Blink” and they appear. Or you may be ‘blinked” off to someone else. “here blink, there blink, everywhere blink blink….”

I have to wind up the window as my cough worsens from the cold wind. It is so soothing listening to the soft drums at the background and Diana Krall makes this old French song comes alive again……I have heard a man’s version, but still like hers. This French friend, a photographer once told me that his grandmother loved this song very much. Well, I would tell my grandchildren about this song too, if I ever have.

A beautiful song……..

A 10mins lesson with God in my car

2006-04-17T00:17:00.000+08:00

I bet all drivers have experienced nasty fellow drivers on the road before. All kinds you name it…. Reckless driving, tailgaters, bullies, litterbugs…

The traffic on the highway on Friday was horrible. Despite the rush hours, I was rather calm although I was kind of running late for my appointment. There are big trucks everywhere and usually I would avoid driving near them. When it comes to this situation, I had no choice but to travel alongside a big truck. No, he did not drive recklessly nor did he do anything that would put anyone near him in danger. But he did something which was highly unacceptable.

As I was traveling on the next lane near the rear of his truck, he SPAT! I could literally see the mucus, like greenish bullets, “fired” from window. Every drop of that landed on my car and windscreen. I was so disgusted. My goodness, I just washed my car! How would a normal person react in this situation? That is to drive up and STARE at him, right? I did, but his truck was so so big and tall that I could not see him from my seat. That nincompoop has a sun shield on his window. Damn…The hot weather and horrific jam were already unbearable and I was boiling inside… I really had the urge of showing him my, beautifully manicured centre finger, with nicely decorated nail arts.

BUT, I didn’t.

No point

If I did, that would make me a nincompoop too.

I asked Lord to calm me down. What would you do, Lord? Just then, He told me to pray for that driver. What?! The Lord has a unique and unfathomable way of handling things. Lord, he just spat at me and you are asking me to pray for him? I was so angry that I wished to curse the driver -pray that a flock of crows would fly over his truck and shit on him ALL at the SAME time, I started to pray in tongue, the Spirit led me to pray for his safety and others on the road. Not long after, I experience this wave of inner peace in me.

This is indeed God.

He showed me something else. He asked me to praise and be glad that I encountered this.

But why, Lord? Why rejoice? Rejoice on what? He prompted me to see the rear mirror and I saw a motorist. I could instantly feel His Fatherly laughter. He said “My child, I will not give you something you can’t bear. My Grace and Love is enough for you.” I started to give thanks for my car and that windscreen to shield me from the “bullets”. I gave thanks for having the ability to shield the “bullets” for that motorist. He would be in a worse situation than me if the “bullets” got him. The Spirit prompted me to Luke 6:27- 28 from the bible “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” “My child, you have been doing it fine for the past months, do you notice that? Not only have you prayed for those who are unkind to you, you are also converting your misses for those you love into prayers. I heard you and I took good care of them all.”
Gee, He really hears me, man?! My, Living God! It gives me goose bumps. I went back to my shop and I read further. It is indeed a great revelation Abba wants me to have. He always prepares us before hand. He is so cool!

Everyday we may be “spitting” words of accusation, condemnation, criticism, words of hurt and insensitivity to people in our life – family members, friends, colleagues, bosses and strangers. God has already given us the ability to be the first to stop the cycle and should not expect or wait for others to initiate. Prayers can replace anger with laughter, hurt with comfort, unrest with joy, curses with blesses and misses with strength. Find strength in Him. He can work wonders in our life.

Hum…. Abba, since You are hearing me….. I bet You are working on my bigger prayers hahahahaha. yup yup yup :)

想

2006-04-11T02:00:00.000+08:00

想一个人的时候，你会做什么？
会到他去过的地方？会座他座过的位子？会唱他唱过的歌？会走他曾走过的路?
会喝他喜欢喝的酒？会到MSN看他有没有上网？

想一个人和怀念一个人的区别是什么？

想- 没有感情或感觉。。。脑里浮现的只是他的样子。你可能还把他留在你的生活里。。。。。。

怀念 – 包涵了感情和感觉。。。脑里是一部部的怀旧电影。他可能已在你的生命里，缺席。。。。。。

有可能想和怀念同一个人吗？
哦，怀念已包含了想。。。。

你今天想了谁；怀念的有谁？

An evening - Recap

2006-04-07T12:32:00.000+08:00

Walking along the river, walking through the crowd and the restaurant staffs holding the menus inviting everyone who walked pass to patronize them.
I always see the same people and they always say the same thing to me and I always reply the same back to them. This has been going on for almost two years. They have been saying the same things everyday for this long.

The techno music playing from the trishaws is very irritating, where’s the heritage? Or it has become commercial? There is always a super long queue of people waiting for taxis. I thank God that I no longer need to queue for my transport. I used to hate walking; I am a rather impatient person, like things to be fast, quick and convenient. But now walking kind of calms me after a long day at work.

Counting your steps, listening to your breathing, hearing your heart beats. Rhythm.
There are some people who permanent residing at the river bank. They have been there for the longest time, not sure since when. They would sleep on the benches while waiting for their catch – fishing. I wonder what happen to them if it rains.
There is a man, I think he is suffering from some mental problems, sometime he would smile and wave to the tourists and they would mock him. What's in his mind? What is he thinking about? What caused him to become insane? What kind of trauma did he go through before he reached this stage? Is it a choice to be insane?

In the underpass, there are two men basking, with the help of the echo in the tunnel, they sound rather ok. But they never seem to complete a full song. They sing without feelings but just for the sake of singing to get some money, it like putting the spirit of making music to shame. It is a pity that one's passion in music has dwindled due to the need to earn a living or a lack of appreciative audience. People walk passed them, hardly anyone stopped to listen. Most of the time, the baskers would just entertain themselves, jamming.

Reaching the opposite side of the river, the bungee is really exciting, you could hear the men and women screaming as the cabin shoot up into the air. I will try that one day. Challenging oneself needs alot of courage. It gives me a good reason to scream my throat out, that sour/bitter chocked air near my chest, because if you were to do that publicly, you would be labelled as insane.

It’s a relief as I reached my car, but I kinda dislike weekends as the partons to the poplular disco usually cause a traffic jam at the exit of the carpark. But I am comforted and contented from sitting in Jiu Jiu, my old purple car. An old buddy I take with me everywhere I go.

Opening of a new chapter

2006-04-04T11:54:00.000+08:00

I am grateful that I am moving on.

The emotional turmoil which I’ve been battling with for the past 2 weeks has been miraculously resolved by the grace of God.
It was a roller coaster ride,
the joy from discovering a new friend, the excitement from getting to know her deeper, the puzzlement when we had a different opinion, the anxiety and tension which weighed down each meeting, the rejection and despondency which sent me into somewhat a spiritual warfare.
I push myself (harder) this time, to seek an answer to my innermost feelings which, I myself am a stranger to.

I played those words through my head again and again, spending my waking hours deeply disturbed by this drift that comes between me and her. The more I desire to let her into my world, the further she seems to be driven away from it. I was very exasperated and frustrated all of these because, I care for this opinion and I badly wanted to understand it, and be understood. I wish to be heard.

Today, I was touched by this short video I saw http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/. It shot me that maybe the things I’ve been trying to justify are the mysteries which I shouldn’t struggle to put into words, because I simply cannot. His will is way far above any comprehension. I am thankful that He makes me see that the best action I could make towards dissimilarity is not retaliation but a show of understanding and tolerance. I believed that she had my good in mind when she shared her opinion and my wish to want to share with her who I truly am, did not pull through.

Although I still hold my stand which is different from others, I have learnt to present the grounds for my feelings, my thoughts and my behavior; at the same time respect that they may not buy my ideas. I learnt that, pride, is a creeping crook which come up to us when we’re least aware and take over our senses. The battle we had was unfortunately between our prides. With the grace of God, I am able to draw back because He has blessed me with a friend who is dear to me. Frankly, if it is by my own will, it will not be easy. But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, it becomes effortlessly.

I seek a closure to this chapter of my life and anticipate new chapters to come; I hope that this post will reach out to the friends I care for. Although I hold on to the principles in my life, I appreciate your presence around me to arouse my sensitivity to my environment and to challenge my take of life.

This experience, although traumatizing and hurtful, has let me discovered new truths about myself which I am eager to embrace. I am still learning everyday and although I am not a master even in my own life, I am not ashamed knowing that the grace of God on me is more than sufficient and it abounds in my weaknesses. I pray to God that one day He will touch your heart that special way He touched mine so that you too can experience the wonderful feeling that I cannot express, which touches me still. Shalom.

Reason, Season and Lifetime

2006-04-04T03:45:00.000+08:00

Who are these people in your life?

What is reason?
The person was planted in your life to help you thru a phase and will have a deep impression because you share a period of your life with...
But when the person leaves, you don’t have to feel sad but have to accept because the purpose is done. After which the person has no "reason" to be in your life. It could be like project member, colleague, bosses or staffs.
People come and go for a reason.

Then what is season?
Season is like a good month.. It comes every year.
Like friends you party with, have fun with and spend time with.
Season comes and go……, there’s no need to miss, but will return.

What is lifetime?
Lifetime is like hmmm... maybe your buddy, your family, sometimes soul mates. You know, a person could be a "reason" who stayed on. Like you could have a friend...who was in your life to teach you something but you form a relationship...that you continually keep in touch down the years...
It means that lifetime is the little group of people who are left behind in your life; in your circle.

Do you have control over who to be reason, season and lifetime? Could people do that?
Maybe but it’s very tough…
So once we know that, it’s easier to accept. This thing is about understanding... Once you understand.., you will know and will accept.

Which one has more impact?
Lifetime, of course.

How does one know which is which? Only when they leave?
Yah, only when they leave. It’s kinda sad right? You will only realize when they leave.

But initially, you would treat them (new friends) like a season or reason or lifetime? What is your attitude towards them?
Hmmm…..maybe just friends. Then when you are done with them, you will categorize them. It’s for your own understanding.

But can you decide, at the beginning, who to be what since you can identify them - characters and personality; likes and dislikes?
Maybe cannot because you aren’t sure until they leave then you can see where they belong.

But you will know when you get to know them more along the way?
But how would you know it’s a lifetime until it’s a lifetime?
Then of course lifetime is hard to tell, season and reasons too.

So the easiest one to identify is season?
A staff could be reason. But if she ends up as a friend who don’t meet often; like a season or so in a year, then she becomes a season.

Does everyone start as a reason first?
Could be. Some will develop into lifetime.

Food for thought

2006-04-03T02:51:00.000+08:00

Verses from my daily bread:

Ecclesiastes 9:11- 12

“ …..The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the brilliant
or favor to the learned;
but time and chances happen to them all.

Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come:
As fish are caught in cruel net,
Or birds are taken in a snare,
So men are trapped by evil times
that fall unexpectedly upon them.”

从新认识我自己

2006-04-03T01:49:00.000+08:00

医学已证明人体器官和四肢如停顿久了就会瘫痪失去功能。如有外来的刺激，功能便回返。思绪也一样。以往选择性的停顿导致思想简单了；迟钝了。没用心去深入的揣摩，变的肤浅。情绪；观点的表达，不知从几时开始变得太中立。不偏袒也没意见，这可是没立场呀。

主呀，你的安排可让我措手不及。上周可把我给想破脑袋。还好，唤醒了我沉睡已久的思考细胞。细胞呀，你可要争气呀，分裂倍增的快一点。

可不是，认识我两年的知己还在很努力的和我沟通。 “ok啦；还好啦；不错啦。。。。。” 什么嘛。。。。我怎么都没什么立场表达？！沟通可是双方面的，因为我的思想停顿；思路观念狭宰，导致我无法了解他的立场。他可是爱心十足啊。亲爱的，我可真佩服你，你和一只蛮牛交往，真是对不起。不要说两年的朋友，认识不到两个月的朋友都给我气的五倥冒烟。

主呀，谢谢你，让我从新认识我自己，恢复我那开通宽阔正面的思想和观念。
奉主耶稣圣名
阿门。

Encounter with Apocrita

2006-04-01T02:22:00.000+08:00

The multistorey carpark at my house was covered with the dead bodies of honeybees. They formed black carpet on every level of the carpark. Scary……
I had difficulties going up the stairs to my carpark lot. Although they were dead, stepping on them gives me goose bums. Someone before me had created a small path among the dead bees. I had to tip toe and careful not to step on them. But I missed a few steps and I accidentally crushed some. The crispy sound and the liquid split out from them, Yeeeeewwwwwee…. Hummm, I wonder where is the remains of the queen bee?

I had my first close encounter with another species of apocrita when I was 8 yrs old, I mean, really close….
I was chasing some playmates in a field and I fell into a deep hole, my right leg was stuck in the hole. As I pulled myself up, that leg was covered with armies of red ants. I desperately jumped and slapped them off my leg with a slipper. Panic, sore from the bites, bruised from the smacking. :(

Such insects are superorganism, they move in colonies. I had my backpack invaded by big forest ants during my cadet inspector camp. It was dark in the tent and I had to reach into my bag to take something. I felt a sensation at my fingers and this sensation had moved very quickly across my whole arm. Imagine, you right arm is covered with hundreds of six legged fast crawling, big head with antennae creatures. Freak out!

Humph…. There is a bee hovering around me……. Are there more out there?
Which department to call for such emergency? HUH?!

Full of anticipations

2006-03-29T03:48:00.000+08:00

I was invited by my friend, YN to join a birthday party of a new friend she knew online. They are a group of fun people. Sincere and amiable. Of course, few of them were not so comfortable with strangers but they tried to strike some conversation with us. After a couple of drinks, we decided to leave them alone and go for a session of karaoke. To our surprise, they joined us.

YN and I have been great duet since we met few years ago. Singing the familiar tunes, it was a heartwarming experience altogether. But this time round, she sang with more intensity and emotion. She just broke up in a relationship. This is a break up season; people around me have somehow ended their relationships. Comfortingly, the applause from the audience encouraged her.

We continued our own singing session in her house, unplugged. I sang as she strummed the guitar. I have not done this for a long time, the strings just sounded so perfect in the quiet night. I almost forgotten how to play but I was pretty ok when I started plugging the strings. We have agreed to jam more often.

Parting is not a bad thing after all. It gives you more time to discover yourself, learn new things about yourself; meet new people, experience new perspective in life. You may feel jaded sometimes but good friends are the one who keep you going. It is so blessed to know that there are friends who care, some who accept you as who you are, some who bother to tell you off to correct you. Thank God for them. The ride is full of adventures, you fall and bounce back on your feet, go on with life again. What’s next? You are in control of some and sometimes you are not. People may change, things may change. Appreciating details in life and leaping onto greater and higher expediency.

Full of anticipations. :)

Facets of Personality

2006-03-25T04:49:00.000+08:00

I came across the horoscope analysis on me, although I have the characteristic of my own sign – sun sign (“it tells us of the actual core of a person, the inner self, of that which is of central concern.”), there are also other factors contributing to why I was different from the fellow sign mates. The moon sign (“it represents our feelings and emotions, the receptivity, imagination and basic feeling tone of a person”) and the ascendant sign (“it tells us a lot about someone's personality, temperament and constitution. It typifies our immediate, instinctive reaction and shows how we present ourselves to the world.”)

So, I am a Taurus but feel like a Libra and appear to others like Cancer. Hum….. interesting, I am a combination of earth, air and water. No wonder, my friends claimed that I am a difficult person to understand. Interesting indeed.

I was told today that I am melancholic and I see life rather negatively; I am judgmental and I am not open-minded. I was kind of taken aback by this comment, especially from a friend whom I just knew. At first, I disagreed with her. After I have given some thoughts to what she said and checking with my closest friends, we agreed that I am melancholic. But a China friend disagreed with us, she claimed this: “如果你是悲观和忧郁，那就不会有孟姜女了” Well, she sees me differently. To her I am sanguine. Its kind of funny that I am percieved to be such extreme by different people.

I think a lot. I like to express my feeling in writings, music and paintings. In this case, I talk lesser but I love to listen to people’s conversations, I don’t mind them going on and on, although sometime I would space out a little while then I would go the cycle again, listen - think – music/ paint/ write. You can say, I love being in this state of melancholy, the greatest poets and songwriters were melancholic to start with. The language, the words were so perfectly; melancholically beautiful. It reflects one’s true self, especially when one is at the pit. Of course, there are many beautiful songs and poems on happy, joyful stuff, perhaps, I am more interested to explore otherwise.

Stubborn as a bull, but striking a balance like a scale, I am fortunate to have Christ. While discovering the darkest side of the world, I am giving praises to His glory that He made me whole. I am glad that I am able to feel these temperaments: melancholic, sanguine, choleric and phlegmatic. I guess that is the difference between having Christ and not having Christ in one’s life. My life is like a stress ball, no matter how much you twist and squeeze it; it will still go back to the original shape. He is my refuge, my shield, my strength. In fact, I am proud to be melancholic or anything I want to be because He makes good in everything.

The sermon at church today was so like tailor-made for me. Pastor preached on rest. Rest in God's presence. People of the world could not comprehen why we behave in certain ways. We just take a different approach in life. He mentioned a very funny parable: dogs always bark at the moon, no matter how long or how loud it barks, the moon continue to shine brightly. Eventually, the dogs will be tired and stop barking. He said we are like the moon, we might come across many incidents that we are so out of place among the norm that we may be perceived as somebody we are not. People judge us because they think we are judging. Matthew 7:3 "why do you look at the speck of saw dust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Well, Jesus may be addressing to brothers and sisters in Christ. But shouldn't the people of the world apply it too?

Well, I guess it takes some time for people to know my deep, mysterious, gentle quality, deep as the ocean. I promise, I will not hurt with my claws, I will be gentle…Crabbie…..

Maybe you will......

2006-03-20T03:21:00.000+08:00

Serenity of darkness gradually fills up the atmosphere, the misses linger still.
Who can wrestle the intensity of this feeling? Maybe someone stronger will.

Tussling through the endless contemplation, conclusion is absence still.
Who can escape this senseless dilemma? Maybe someone stronger will.

Facing the uncertainty of the future, the present seems unfulfilled.
Who can resist the uttermost temptation? Maybe someone stronger will.

I will brave the waves and swim the deepest ocean, but I am afraid still.
Who can calm the sea and rest with me? Maybe someone stronger will.

I go down on my knees and say a little prayer, hoping, maybe You will…….

Comfort Zone

2006-03-19T06:03:00.000+08:00

Do you have a comfort zone?
What would you do when this particular place where you take refuge was invaded?
Suffer in silent? Declare a war? Tit for Tat?

Mine was invaded big time. It was totally unrecognizable. It was once a heaven now garbage. I felt that my world has come crumbling down. End of the world? Well almost!

Well, someone I know recently has taught me to “look at the positive side of things”.
It is very interesting to know that nothing could hit her hard; she is so cool about everything.

Alright, let me try……

Comfort Zone: My Room
Past Status：Heaven
Current Status: Garang Guni’s paradise

Past Emotion: Despondency
Current Emotion: (I told you I will try)

Well, it’s really ok to have my room messed up, especially I have really CLEANED it say TWO days ago. I need some exercises to lose some over flowing lard. I have also changed a FRESH set of bed sheets, but now the bed has become a platform displaying those little DUSTY things which are out of the box. It’s alright; I can wash that again, no big deal. A little DIRT is good for the body.

The already NOT-SO-BIG room I have now has new furniture in it. Welcome our new member, an office table as WIDE as my bed! Gee… My computer from the study room HAS migrated WITH the table INTO my room. I am experimenting a new way of toning my abdominal and butt muscles while typing on the keyboard by balancing my cute little ass at the wooden edge of my bed. Not forgetting, the right side of my butt has yet to recover from the stuns at the bowling alley.

Fantastically, my room has transformed into an all equipped SOHO. 80% of the appliances a household has are now in my room. Interestingly, I began to imagine myself living in Japan. Most houses in Japan look like this – the bedroom is the living room and the living room somewhat is the bedroom.

The blessing follows, there is a space on the floor JUST enough for me to sit down. And if I want to move around, I have to do the Chinese dance steps – 蜻蜓点水 (translation: skipping from point to point). I am also proud to have the world’s FIRST pyramid entertainment system. Allow me to describe to you, due to space constraint, the front speaker goes on top of the DVD player which is at the top of the 21’TV that is place at the top of the hi-fi. Overwhelmed by this goodness, I am also delighted that my guitar from each room has finally united. They are facing me yearning my “touch”.

It is really nice to count your blessings especially you are so down. I am feeling much better now and I shall go to bed with my printer and scanner as my companion.

Good night. Sleep tight, don’t let the BED BUGS bite. Itchy…… scratch scratch

吻

2006-03-19T04:27:00.000+08:00

还记得你的初吻吗？甜蜜？疯狂？激情？恶心？

狂吻；热吻；轻吻；飞吻；骚吻？

天啊！两小嘴儿捧在一起撞出来的火花可有极大的花样呀。

激情的吻，好比被饵坏的乞丐，触着就狂吃；狂咬。什么滋味儿都没尝到。是充饥。

坠入情网的吻，滋味儿就像沾满巧克力的鲜草莓；含在口里甜滋滋的；草莓汁的酸甜不经意的蔓延每一道神经。是触电。

相爱已久的吻，就如醇酒，香农口感恰恰好。是柔情。

步入结局的吻，虚假；应酬；木头。亲他不如亲死鱼吧，至少还有鱼腥味儿。是敷衍。

你今天给的吻是啥？被吻的感觉又是啥？

我知道我应该做什么。

2006-03-12T04:29:00.000+08:00

人，感情，沟通，事物，实实在在不好吗？几时变得这么虚假？

上帝创造的世界都被包装得漂漂亮亮；这是世人要看的吗？
我曾避开虚伪选择了简单无忧的生活，再次的回返这空虚的世界竟然把我戏弄的糊里糊涂，不知所措。这毕竟不是我想要的生活。

这里的诱惑，情绪的波动太多太多。我想我很快就会厌倦。。。。。快了。没有什么可依恋的。还好，现在我所拥有的都是被我过滤剩下的宝藏，让我十分安慰。

主呀，谢谢你的恩高。拥有圣灵引我分辩是非，我知道我应该做什么。

Fei Fei personifies LOVE.

2006-03-11T03:02:00.000+08:00

Wondering what interesting stories I would share today regarding Thursday party?
Well, I guess I have to disappoint you…….
My mind was so preoccupied with the death of my pet rabbit, Fei Fei (fat fat) that I was not interested in what happened in my surrounding.

The pet food ran out, so I was driving around to look for that particular brand that my rabbits love to eat. I love them very much although I hardly have time to play with them.
I keep them in my workplace’s pantry; it is comforting just to see them during breaktime. They always have this stupid blur or rather space out look. Especially my Fei Fei. Every part of him would be still except his little nose, moving up and down…. Breathing….
He would lie against his window, gazing into space, enjoying the sunlight, listening to me singing “Jesus loves me, yes I know, for the bible tells me so……..” His ears would tilt towards my direction and move to the pitch of my voice.

Last night, he seemed fine. He was eating his favorite food and he was happy, I could see that. I turned away for a second and heard him coughing, sneezing and vomiting. He was tying to clear his nose with his fore legs. He was choking. I carried him out of the cage; he was struggling and gasping for air. Usually I could hear his breathing but last night his nose was moving yet there was no sign of breathing. I held him and pray in the Spirit hoping he could recover soon. His body was weaker, he could not stand and eventually he collapsed. He was gasping but lied motionless, I could not feel his heartbeat and I was scared. “Please don’t die on me, Fei. Please…..” Panic as I was, I finally braved myself to suck out the yellow liquid from his mouth and nose. Nothing came out. I have leant CPR, but not on animals. I was so helpless. Holding his still warm body, I was shivering from the shock. He would usually struggle when I tried to hold him but this time; he lied still in my arms.

Fei Fei personifies LOVE. He is always there for you. You feel safe and secure; you drool soundly in your sleep knowing you have him. He gives you TLC, he brings laughter and joy. He is the cause that makes you smile stupidly to yourself. He is the reason you ran home that day right after work. He is the excuse you reported sick. He puts together your face muscles to frown when he is not behaving himself.

When he screamed, you attended to him. When he “shit on your head” you forgave him. When he scratched you, you healed you own wounds. When you want to hold him, he shows you his backside. When you thought you have missed him, he is right at your feet. He likes to play hide and seek with you.
And you thought you have managed him well; providing foodie, toys and your presence. When he is leaving you, you desperately tried means and ways to save him. When he is really gone, you finally gave up, wipe your tears and move on.

Sigh……………bye bye Fei Fei……………….

(Ylang Ylang is burning……….. It soothes my migraine……… Hum…………..But, it has aphrodisiacal effect too, right? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

Shallow and superficial

2006-03-09T12:22:00.000+08:00

The party on Tuesday was incredibly swarming. The only setback was the music, I am sorry to announce that Hip Hop and R&B is not my cup of tea. The only consolation was some nice pop music at the later part of the night.

You can see many species of hominid, fascinatingly observing them in action. Some were cruising while others were in pairs. Sometime I really wonder if the pairs still find irresistibility in one another. Others were very obviously looking for “multi-nights stand”. What’s that? Well, this is a lingo my friends use to describe “a friend who enjoys special benefits). No string attached.

There were some gorgeous people around. Parties usually need to have pretty faces to draw some crowd though. It is an ART to wear pretty faces as masks. Conversations were shallow; the “Hi” was plastic. What do you expect? People are out just to have fun. Yup, have fun, having fun flirting. It’s like collecting medals to boast about. They have abundant affections and attention from these pathetic fellow mankind, following you around, like bees to honey. They are hoping that the medal bearing their name would be placed in a more obvious location on your body. Well, both are willing parties. It’s pretty amusing game to play. You like it you stay, if you don’t you leave or better, start another one yourself.

Where can you find some sincere people around this time? Tough luck.
Quote from Constance Fenimore Woolson’s Love Unexpressed
“The sweetest notes among the human heart-strings are dull with rust; The sweetest chords, adjusted by the angels, are clogged with dust; ……”

Where can you find real people?

Love, affections and attentions from people who adore you are so easily available these days; I sometime take these privileges for granted. I regard these as privileges because I see them as God’s favors. I don’t deserve them but it is His Grace that I am enjoying it. I am constantly reminding myself and meditating on His Sozo. I thank God for my wonderful family and friends; my business and my customers; my pair of hands to create more beautiful works in His glory; I thank Him for giving me a heart that can still love and be loved. That is the greatest different between a child of the world and a child of God. I am not perfect, I am nothing, but at least God still loves me. Only in Him I can find real and true joy. Hearts may fail you, people may hurt you, He will never.

Well I am going to another party tonight. There will be more interesting stories to share. Cheers.

Have you ever wonder who will miss you when you leave this world?

2006-03-08T03:09:00.000+08:00

What impact would your depart have in their life?

I dream of May Wan, my late sworn sister, countless nights since she left. The impact on her husband is much dramatic than anyone…..

5 years…… I thought he would have moved on but his sms to me this afternoon reflected the opposite. Many lonely and painful nights, the recollections of her presence…. The places they went to still leave traces of sweet sorrows. How did he go through the days without her? How did he go through moments when he needed her comfort? It’s heart rending.

In his heart, there’s love, abundant love for her, yearning for her. I am sure she knows his heart. It is a blessing to be able to love and being loved. She may be out of sight but not out of his heart and mind.

There are occasions that people close to me said that I must not leave first. They don’t want to go through the trauma. What about me? Do I look like a person who could handle watching my love ones leaving?

坚强的外表让你们肯定我能接受离别？如果我必须面对，我无法选择。
上帝已安排好了，只好顺着暗流到终点。

I will miss you ……….forever….

2006-03-06T02:35:00.000+08:00

I received a call from your mobile, I was thrilled… I wanted to share with you my new business venture, it’s a nail spa, I want you to be my first client…….

“humpm……is that Jane?” A voice of a man?!

Prank call?

“You are Rachel’s sworn sister right? She told me a lot about you…..”

PRANK CALL?!

“You came to our wedding…..I am her husband……..”

Oh my …. Something bad, bad news? She is hospitalized? Which hospital?

“Rachel has passed away two days ago……”

Crashed………….my world crashed………………………..

Jie, we are supposed to have tea and shopping together. You are supposed to be my first client.
Why are you lying there? Why you look so pale? Why are you not smiling at me when I am in front of you? Why can’t I hug you? The coffin feels hard and cold. You don’t belong there………You are life who gives me life, your laughter bring joy to me.
I don’t have the courage to see you at your tablet. The once playful and joyful sis I had, now her remains is in the urn.
I cannot accept, till now, I still see you in my dreams……are you trying to tell me something?
I am going to see you on your birthday this year……See you 8 March…..

I really miss you, Jie……

I miss you….

2006-03-06T02:34:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year 2002
Jie, we were supposed to meet for tea at your new house. I was sorry that I could not make it during Chinese New Year. You promised me that you will give me a big Ang Bao.

Somewhere in end April
Yes, I have received your forwarded SMS, it was really nice to get a heartwarming greeting from you. I am sorry that I did not reply. I procrastinated……

Thank you for remembering me

2006-03-06T02:33:00.000+08:00

When was the last time you catch up with your secondary school friends? Your best friends? Your love ones? When was the last time you say “I love you” to your parents?

We take for granted many people in our life. A hello is procrastinated, a visit is postponed, a birthday is forgotten, a praise is given stingily? How much effort does it take to do this simple yet very significant gesture? It may not be to you, but it is to the receiver. If you have one minute to spare, pick up the phone now and call them. Say something nice. Don’t be like me……. Regrets for life.

Many years have past, I was so soaked in my own world, blaming God and the whole world and of course myself for landing where I was at that time. Many downs than ups, I was practically looking down all the time. I almost had forgotten how beautiful the clouds are and how blue the sky is.

Just when I was driving aimlessly, not knowing where to go, I received a phone call. “Shall I pick up? But I am not in the mood to talk” ……… the caller was persistent so I answered. “Hey, is that you, Jane? Guess who am I?” I thought to myself “Oh man, stop the crap, I am not in the mood for this….” I was unfriendly “ I dunno, you tell me…”

“This is Rachel…”
“Rachel who?”
“Your sworn sister May Wan, Rachel…”

Oh my goodness, I have not hear this voice for a very long time. We have lost contact since I was 19 years old. I was 26 then. She was 28. My heart was so full of joy, the same voice that comforted me when I was so down and out. God has sent her back to me this time.

“Hey, I am getting married, pleasssseee come to my wedding k”

2001 December
She was so beautiful in her gown. Like a princess. I stood outside the entrance to peep into the banquet. I was so happy to see her again. She caught me standing at one corner. She ran over and threw a big bear hug at me. I miss that hug.

She was much slimmer compare to school time. Skinny is the word. She told me she has been sick, having fever, in and out of hospital and doctor could not detect anything. But she was so full of life at the wedding. The same laughter, the same smile, that once warmed my heart. The solace I felt once again when I thought my world was crumbling down.

Rachel and I were back like schooldays again.

The imprint in Junior’s life

2006-03-06T02:28:00.000+08:00

I cannot agree more that we are always searching for things, significant things to fill that gap in our life. We failed to notice small things or people around us but in fact, these are the small and insignificant things that would bring impact in our life.

During school’s open house, Junior visited many booths set up by ECA groups. She has always wanted to join NPCC, smart uniforms, cool is the word. She walked towards a station where rifles and guns were displayed. The eagerness from holding one of these gadgets was shown on her face. “Come, hold this. Don’t be shy….” A girl in smart uniform smiled and handed Junior a heavy rifle. “You must join us, its very fun. You can fire this and this revolver too. Live!” The warm and liveliness of this person touched Junior at the very innermost pit. Junior had never experienced this kind of amiable touch from anyone, definitely not from her own sister. Junior signed up and anticipated the trills and adventures this ECA could bring.

The girl in uniform Senior became Junior’s officer-in-charge. Junior strived to be the best in any activities. That is her principle in life. Junior had many opportunities working with Senior and through the time they established a strong bond. Other cadets in the squad were boycotting Junior then, due to some childish and nincompoop reasons. For one donkey year, Junior has only one Malay friend (God bless her for being a faithful friend) and Senior was always by her side, mentoring her.

Junior loves bus journeys; she loves to take the same bus with Senior. They never talk much, the only companion was each other and of course a walkman. They would listen to Allan Tham’s songs and more and they have made “Eternal Flame” their song.

Two years has come to past, their friendship strengthened even though they were seeing their first boyfriends. They were there for each other when their boyfriends left them. They shared many laughter and joy; sadness and tears. Junior could remember vividly the first time she saw Senior cried. The silent weeping could no longer hold………she cried her heart out. The same history repeated when Junior’s relationship failed. What raced through Senior's mind was the kind of emptiness which had once crept into her heart, and to see it happening again, this time on Junior, she was momentarily lost for words. Could anyone even understand the intensity of the moment? They were sitting in a park near her house, the familiar song was on air….Senior pat Junior on her head and said” I have always wanted a younger sister, but too bad I am the youngest in my family. Can you be my younger sis? I would be very proud to have a talented sportswoman as my sister.”

Happiness from these is just temporal.

2006-03-06T02:26:00.000+08:00

We were once juniors in our own schools, friends and puppy loves come and go; some stayed longer, some never. At the age of 13, what was on your mind? Was it studies, fun, BGR or already plotting paths to becoming a successful person to fulfill family’s expectation?

Junior has made daddy and mummy proud for excelling both academically and in ECAs. She was pursued by this teacher to study in his school and of course to play in his basketball team. She is touched by his passion and sincerity therefore she made that school her first choice on her list. In her mind, she just wanted to become a better player under his care. And she did.

Junior later discovered her other talent, in Track & Field. She trained very hard. Trice a week before and after school. Winning medals, breaking school’s records, receiving both school and zone awards, but deep down she was empty. The tight training schedule and juggling studies had made her a loner. She had very few friends. Who doesn’t like to hang out with friends at MacDonald’s or go shopping? There was this opportunity cost thingy. She was so focused on what she was doing and did not give much thought about it.

She was amazed by her tonnes of energy during that time. Under her belt, she had NPCC as uniform group, school basketball team captain, VP of Track & Field, librarian, National youth basketball and a player in her primary school Alumni basketball team. Teachers and principal were worried. But this was how she kept herself occupied because she was lonely both in school and at home. She missed her parents but she could understand that they were working hard for the family. She has an elder sister but she was not close to her. She hated her sister because her sister had read her diary. She hated it when her innermost feelings were exposed and mocked on.

All those she has achieved had no impact in her life. To her it was a norm. Those above were to illustrate that one could achieve so much yet own nothing. People of the world strive to achieve money fame and status. But when they have them, are they truly happy?

Happiness from these is just temporal.

Psalmist Power

等

Consumed

Miss you..... very much still

Ready to go?

What do You want me to do?

Serenity Prayer

Finally in love

一次与神的旅游

为你而写

牛奶与蜜

洗碗

A special birthday performance

活着的我不再是我

乱了

Oxymoron truths about life

The “First times”

Just some thoughts on my journey....

You will be alrite, slowly but surely……

在“生死边缘”，我被救赎了。。。。

A glimpse of “I love you but God loves you more….”

郑秀文- 加油吧 God’s favor on you ... ...

无限的赐福

最美的一刻

Out of Your Love I sing

Welcome Home!

Get a life!

沟通

Are we conscious of our actions when we were drunk?

结束/ 开始

Thanks

I am so blessed!!!!!!

Count your blessings…… one by one……

太爱了！：）

Long lost friend

寂，光， 静

“Chao Tah” (Burnt) – Part 2

“Chao Tah” (Burnt) Part 1 – to be continued………

Wonderful Sunday

Same old issues years after years

Naughty

搞错了

No title - Fit your own....

Crazy weekend

我笑了

Trance

A beautiful song

A 10mins lesson with God in my car

想

An evening - Recap

Opening of a new chapter

Reason, Season and Lifetime

Food for thought

从新认识我自己

Encounter with Apocrita

Full of anticipations

Facets of Personality

Maybe you will......

Comfort Zone

吻

我知道我应该做什么。

Fei Fei personifies LOVE.

Shallow and superficial

Have you ever wonder who will miss you when you leave this world?

I will miss you ……….forever….

I miss you….

Thank you for remembering me

The imprint in Junior’s life

Happiness from these is just temporal.

寂，光，静